IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people today leave their homes in the small villages. They move into the big cities. Give the reasons for doing this and give some problems it might cause.

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Nowadays, many
people
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 try to live differently.
People
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 now prefer living in big, modern
cities
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.
Moreover
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, they prefer leaving their small and isolated
villages
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.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for doing
this
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 and the problems it might
cause
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. There are multiple reasons that make
people
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 want to leave their small
villages
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.
First,
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some
people
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 leave to find a better job.
For example
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, finding a job can be so much harder in small
villages
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.
In addition
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, the money they get is not always enough for their needs , like clothes and enough food.
Second,
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people
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also
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 leave because they are looking for a better education and a degree. Most of the small
villages
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 do not have colleges or even a school. Because of that, the parents leave their
villages
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 to educate their children.
Finally
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, some
people
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 look for a modern life and more technology. They want to shop in big malls and watch the latest movies.
Moreover
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, what they see on social media
made
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makes
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 them want to explore and live in the large
cities
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.
However
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, leaving the small
villages
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 can
cause
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 some problems.
First,
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villages
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 will be empty, and nobody will live there. The farms and the houses will be without any care.
For example
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, there will be no one to water the plants or to feed the animals.
Second,
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when all
people
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 live in large
cities
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, the streets will be more crowded.
Moreover
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, it will take them more time and effort to arrive at their destneation like their work, schools and houses. That means more accidents every day and more injured
people
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.
Finally
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, that can
cause
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 air pollution. There will be more cars and other means of transportation
in
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on
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 the streets.
As a result
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, more smoke will be in the air and affect
people
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`s health and lives. In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are multiple reasons why
people
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 move to big
cities
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.
However
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, it can
cause
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 many dangerous and serious problems that
people
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 should deal with.

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task response
Overall score: 6. Add more detail to one or two ideas. For example, say how fewer people in villages can hurt food work, or how city crowding can make home costs go up.
task response
Some points are a little too strong. “Most” small villages may still have a school. Use safer words such as “many” or “some”.
task response
Your examples fit the ideas, but make them more real. For work, you could say that city jobs may pay more and give people a way to help their family.
coherence and cohesion
Your order is easy to follow, but some links are not exact. “Moreover” is often used to add a close idea. At times, use “This is because”, “For this reason”, or “As a result” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph very close to its main point. In the city problem paragraph, traffic, road harm, and air are linked, so show this chain more clearly: more people → more cars → more traffic and bad air.
coherence and cohesion
The last part repeats the main idea but could be stronger. Say the key result: city life can help people, but it can also put more stress on cities and leave villages with too few people.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: why people move, and what problems this may cause.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: work, school, and city life are reasons; empty villages, busy roads, and bad air are problems.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body parts, and an end. Each body part has one main purpose.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “First”, “Second”, “Finally”, “However”, and “As a result” well.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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