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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that salary is the most important aspect of a job. Others say that happiness is more important than money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some
people
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 think that having a high
salary
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 is the most important factor in a
job
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,
while
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 others say that being happy at work is more important than money. I believe that enjoying the
job
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 is crucial for a
person
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's well-being.
This
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 essay will examine both views of
this
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 argument , and I will state my opinion. On the one hand, having a high
salary
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 is important for numerous reasons.
First,
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a
person
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 must be able to afford their children's financial needs and pay for future education.
In addition
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, travelling with family can be much easier and less stressful.
Second,
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the future is unpredictable , so
people
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 need to think ahead. Having a generous
salary
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 helps
people
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 pay for unexpected expenses.
For example
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, having surplus funds means that if a family member gets sick
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,
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there is money available.
Third,
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high income can result in a better quality of life. Things that a
person
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 enjoys can be easily paid for.
For instance
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 , money is available for expensive hobbies.
On the other hand
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, being happy with the
job
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 is important.
Firstly
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, having a
job
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 that a
person
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 loves has a positive impact on their mindset. Working in a hated place can be negative.
As a result
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,
this
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 leads to feelings of stress and less satisfaction.
Secondly
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, being happy with a
job
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 increases
people
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's productivity. When employees enjoy their
job
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, they are more likely to perform their tasks efficiently.
People
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 spend large portions of their lives at work.
Furthermore
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, having a
job
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 they genuinely enjoy can make time feel more meaningful.
As a result
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, employees would leave work feeling satisfied and motivated. In conclusion, having a high
salary
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 is important for financial security and a better quality of life.
However
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,
job
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 satisfaction is extremely important for
people
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's mental well-being. I believe that being happy is more important because it can increase
people
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's happiness.

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Task response
Score: 7. Your answer is complete and clear. To move to 8, make your own view stronger in the main part, not only at the start and end. For example, say why happiness should come first even when a job pays less.
Task response
Some points need more detail. “Travelling with family can be easier” is true, but explain how this makes a high salary important. Add one short, real-life example.
Task response
Avoid saying the same idea twice. In the last part, “being happy” and “increase people's happiness” are very close. Give a new reason, such as better health or a longer work life.
Coherence and cohesion
Score: 7. Your order is easy to follow. To move to 8, join ideas more smoothly. For example, after the point about stress, explain that this can also hurt work and family life.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused. In the happiness paragraph, “People spend large portions of their lives at work” is a good point, but link it more clearly to the point before it.
Coherence and cohesion
Use fewer repeated link words such as “As a result”. You can also use simple links like “because”, “so”, “also”, and “this means that”.
Task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly.
Task response
Your main ideas are on the topic: money for family needs and safety, and happiness for health and work effort.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: start, one side, the other side, and end.
Coherence and cohesion
You use clear link words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
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