IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Modern medical science has made it possible to combat many diseases. This is one reason that people are living longer lives now than they did in the past. Discuss the effects this might have on society.

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Nowadays, advances in
medicine
Use synonyms
 have achieved great successes when it comes to treating diseases.
As a result
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,
people
Use synonyms
 have a better quality of life and their life expectancy increases significantly.
However
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, it
also
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 carries consequences and challenges for governments and international
organizations
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organisations
show examples
, as it impacts considerably on the economy, politics and welfare of modern societies. In
this
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 essay, I will address the main effects of these medical advancements on society.
Firstly
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, modern
medicine
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along
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, along
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 with health policies have changed the lives of millions. From pharmacological discoveries to sophisticated surgeries,
medicine
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 has played a key role in the prevention and treatment of diseases. In
this
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 scenario, the elderly are projected with much more vitality and performance than before, allowing them to leave their work later and spend more time with their families. A study by the National Institute of Statistics shows that 1 in 3 older adults of retirement age prefer to continue working because they feel healthy and capable, which shows that many elderly
people
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 can extend their professional careers and continue to produce for the market thanks to modern
medicine
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.
Secondly
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, there is
also
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 a concern on the part of governments regarding the proportion of young and older
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people
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people,
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 as births are decreasing and countries are starting to age at an accelerated pace. In
this
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 sense, it points to the inability of the pension
system
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 to be supplied by young workers, because there will be few young
people
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 working and many old
with
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people with
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 pensions to finance. The United Nations
organization
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organisation
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 communicates that it is up to governments to implement policies in
this
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 new reality, seeking to restructure a
system
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 that adapts to new needs, in a world where
people
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 will live more and more. Are highlighted,
for example
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, an incentive to retirement for older adults seeking to secure jobs for young
people
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,
as well as
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 promoting campaigns for birth. In conclusion, having a longer-lived population poses great challenges. Among
them
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them,
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 the ability of the
system
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 to economically support
this
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 group of
people
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,
as well as
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 to devise plans that
favor
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favour
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 social welfare as a whole, integrating other sectors of the population within policies to create a
system
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 that works at another pace, but that ensures a livelihood for all.

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task response
Overall score: 7. To reach 8, make the effects on society more wide and more clear. For example, explain how longer lives may change health care, family care, housing, and the work force.
task response
The second main point is good, but some ideas are not fully clear. Say more clearly why fewer young workers and more old people can make it hard to pay for pensions and care.
task response
Be careful with the study and the UN example. They sound real, but there is no clear source or detail. You can use a simple made-up example instead, or explain the point without naming a group.
task response
Your point about making older people retire to save jobs for young people may not fit well with your first point, where older people can work longer. Explain this choice more, or give a different plan, such as part-time work.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. For example, “In this sense, it points to...” is not clear because “it” has no clear meaning. Name the idea again: “This change may put pressure on pension plans.”
coherence and cohesion
Use shorter, clearer sentences in the second body part. For example: “There may be fewer young workers. At the same time, there may be more old people who need pensions. This can put pressure on public money.”
coherence and cohesion
The last body part has a few hard-to-follow lines, such as “Are highlighted, for example...”. Start with a clear subject: “Governments can encourage...”
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats the main idea well, but it could be stronger if it named the two main effects again: more older people in work and more pressure on pension and care plans.
task response
You answer the question well. You show both good and hard effects of longer lives: older people can work longer, but pension plans may face pressure.
task response
Your main ideas are clear and stay on the topic. The example about older people who want to keep working helps explain your first main point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion” make the order easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea. This gives the essay a good, easy-to-see shape.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • geriatric medicine
  • chronic conditions
  • retirement age
  • pension payouts
  • caregiving roles
  • assisted living technologies
  • age-related research
  • cultural norms
  • ageism
  • intergenerational relationships
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