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Writing Samples
Band 4

The diagram shows production of sugar by a German company for supermarkets and restaurants

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The depiction above illustrates the process of
sugar
Use synonyms
 manufacture in a German company numerous steps
Overall
Linking Words
, the process begins with harvesting sugarcane, culminates
at
Change preposition
in
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 delivering the ready
product
Use synonyms
 and contains 8 steps which can be grouped into 2 major stages
including
Punctuation problem
, including
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preparation
Replace the word
preparing
 and transporting a raw
product
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 preparing a packaged end
product
Use synonyms
 which would be sold to consumers. The entire process commences
the
Change preposition
with the
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 sugarcane crop being collected in tropical regions and
then
Linking Words
 transported to a factory where it
was
Wrong verb form
is
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 smashed to separate its juice
by
Change preposition
using a
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 crusher. After that, the separated juice undergoes the partial filtration step where it goes through filters to isolate the raw
sugar
Use synonyms
 from
another
Correct determiner usage
other
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 substances before shipment to Germany. In the next stage, the transported raw material is purified completely by melting and filtering it in order to get
Use synonyms
sugar
Correct article usage
a sugar
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 syrup
that is
Linking Words
 still in liquid form.
Next,
Linking Words
the
sugar
Use synonyms
 syrup is
crystalized
Use the right word
crystallised
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 and turned into crystals of
sugar
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. Following the
crystallization
Change the spelling
crystallisation
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, the
sugar
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 crystals are dried by
specific
Correct article usage
a specific
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 fan which constantly blows air to syrup
transforming
Punctuation problem
, transforming
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 it into
real
Correct word choice
apply
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pure
sugar
Use synonyms
. Ultimately, the ready
product
Use synonyms
 is packaged and delivered to supermarkets and other facilities where it’s used or purchased by consumers.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sugar, product with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 1 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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