IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. Discuss both points of view and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, television and computer games have a big role
on
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in
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children
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. Multiple
people
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 believe that watching
violence
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 affect on
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children
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children's
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 minds.
While
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 others think it does not affect
on
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apply
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them. I strongly agree that
violence
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 damages
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children
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children's
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 lives.
This
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 essay will examine both sides and the way they think
Violence
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 has a bad influence on the way
children
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 behave.
First,
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watching that
violence
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on
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at
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 a young age
make
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makes
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 them scared.
For example
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, they think they may face
violence
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 too
like
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, like
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 hutting them.
Moreover
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, they will be scared of their parents and friends.
Second,
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children
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 may become depressed. Watching
this
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violence
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 will make them accept the worst from other
people
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.
In addition
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, they will become lonely and prefer to be alone.
Finally
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, it may lead
children
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 to be
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violence
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violent
.
For example
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, they may copy what they watched.
Also
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, they may be angry all the time.
However
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, some
people
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 think
violence
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 does not have a bad influence on
children
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. Those
people
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 think they will become stronger. They think that
children
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 will learn how to defend themselves.
Moreover
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, it can prepare them for life. Other
people
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 think that
violence
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 does not affect
on
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apply
show examples
children
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. They believe that
children
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 will not
remmber
Correct your spelling
remember
 when they grow up.
Furthermore
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, they think that
children
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 do not understand anything in life. Some
people
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 are careless and irresponsible.
For example
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, they believe it is fine to make their
children
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 watch whatever they want.
Moreover
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, they do not have awareness or knowledge. In conclusion, it is clear to see that some
people
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 believe that
violence
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 on television and computer games affect on
children
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 badly.
However
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, others ignore or deny the bad influences.

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task response
Talk about society, not only children. The question asks about the effect on people’s behaviour and society. You can say that children may later bring violent acts into school, home, or other public places.
task response
Make the other side fairer and more fully explained. For example, some people may say that most viewers know games and TV are not real, and that family rules and a child’s own nature matter more than screen content.
task response
Give clearer examples. Instead of “they may copy what they watched”, write about a child who copies a fight from a game and uses the same act at school.
task response
State your own view again in the end. Say that screen violence can do harm, mainly when children watch it often and without adult help.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. The first body part can explain why violence harms children. The second can explain why some people do not think it harms them. Do not add a new attack on parents in the middle of the second view.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas more clear. Use phrases such as “This can happen because…”, “As a result…”, and “On the other hand…” so each point leads to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same point. The ideas “violence does not affect children” and “children will not remember it” can be joined and then explained with one clear reason.
coherence and cohesion
Use more exact words for your ideas. For example, replace “watching that violence” with “watching violent shows”, and replace “make their children watch whatever they want” with “let their children watch any show or play any game”.
task response
You give a clear view: you think screen violence can harm children. You also talk about both sides of the issue.
task response
You give some useful reasons, such as fear, feeling alone, and copying violent acts.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The reader can follow your main line of thought.
coherence and cohesion
You use link words such as “First”, “Moreover”, “However”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” to join ideas.
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