IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
The given line graph illustrates the change in Melbourne and participants of five activities at one social centre between
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2000 and 2020. Looking from an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it is
readly
Use the right word
readily
show examples
 apparent that
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 club had by far the highest number of members in all five actions,
while
Linking Words
 amateur dramatics recorded the lowest figure.
looking
Capitalize the word
Looking
show examples
 into the data in more detail, the holding rate of
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 club was on the peak.It
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
dropped slightly
60
Change preposition
to 60
show examples
 people in 2010 and continued to grow to nearly 70 in 2020. On the other side, martial arts were approximately 40 players in 2000 and fell
a little bit
Change preposition
slightly to
show examples
 30 in 2005,
then
Linking Words
 it was grow the number of users
to
Verb problem
grew to
show examples
 70 in 2020.The individuals who took part in amateur dramatics started
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between 20 and 30,
at
Change preposition
from
show examples
 2000 to 2005 graph
was rise
Wrong verb form
rose
show examples
 to nearly 30.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 it was drammatically decrease to 0
at the end
Linking Words
. The holding rate of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
table tennis had a significant growth, from nearly 20 in 2000 to 50 in 2020.
Lastly
Linking Words
, the musical performances were
only
Correct article usage
the only
show examples
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
 whose
amout
Correct your spelling
amount
 of people had ever seen
a
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
a decrease in duration. It was 0 in 2005,but it sharply
climb
Wrong verb form
climbed
show examples
 to 20 in 2020.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • participation rates
  • trends
  • significant increases/decreases
  • stable numbers
  • fluctuations
  • overall participation
  • comparison
  • activities
  • social centre
  • Melbourne
  • participants
  • highlight
  • report
  • graph illustrates/demonstrates
  • 20-year period
  • key features
  • main features
  • statistical data
  • variations
What to do next:
Look at other essays: