IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Some parents believe that watching TV and playing computer games should be limited and substituted by reading books. Do you agree or disagree ?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
some
Capitalize the word
Some
show examples
 parents believe that watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 should be limited and substituted by
readind
Correct your spelling
reading
 books. In my opinion,
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 the time for
children
Use synonyms
 to playing game and
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
TV
Use synonyms
 is a good idea
.
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
because
children
Use synonyms
 need to read books to
nourrish
Correct your spelling
nourish
 their knowledge.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 some
games
Use synonyms
 teach and train them as well in their daily life.
Body paragraph 1
Computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 by themselves for me are
time
Correct article usage
a time
show examples
 of
leasure
Correct your spelling
leisure
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 support the idea to limit
children
Use synonyms
 from spending their time on
TV
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, they might learn important skills
while
Linking Words
 reading than spending on
tv
Use synonyms
 game. Improving their knowledge is better than
computer
Use synonyms
 or
TV
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, many
TV
Use synonyms
 programs are instructive and
productive
Punctuation problem
productive,
show examples
 they
hels
Correct your spelling
help
children
Use synonyms
 with their
profesional
Correct your spelling
professional
 life tomorrow, like football, basketball, tennis,
cutering
Correct your spelling
cutting
 for girls
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
etc.
by
Capitalize the proper name
By
show examples
 watching movie their might be attracted by some personalities and be able to focus on these programs.
Conclusion
Therefore
Linking Words
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement saying that some parents believe that watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 should be limited and substituted by reading books, because the content that
children
Use synonyms
 get from the book by reading they will remember easier
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 when they
getting old
Wrong verb form
get older
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view clear from the start and keep it the same. You agree with limits, but you also say TV can be useful. Say that you support limits, not a full stop for all TV and games.
task response
Explain each main point more. For example, say what skills books help children build, such as reading, new words, and focus. Then say why too much TV or gaming can take time from these things.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. Instead of only naming sports, explain how a sports show may help a child learn rules, team work, or a new hobby.
task response
Be careful with ideas that are too wide. The line about “cutering for girls” is not clear and may sound unfair. Use examples that can fit all children.
coherence and cohesion
Give each body part one clear main idea. For example: one part on why reading is good, and one part on why some TV and games are still useful in small amounts.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas with simple words in a clear way: “First,” “Also,” “For example,” “On the other hand,” and “In the end.” Do not put many different ideas in one long line.
coherence and cohesion
Some lines are hard to follow because the meaning is not clear, such as “Computer games by themselves for me are time of leasure.” Write short, direct lines with one idea each.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats your view, which is good, but it should also sum up both parts: reading should have more time, while good TV and games can be used in small amounts.
task response
You give a clear view: you agree that time for TV and games should be cut. You also try to show both sides by saying that some TV shows can help children.
task response
You give examples of TV shows and sports, such as football, basketball, and tennis.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, body parts, and an ending. Words such as “However” and “Therefore” help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The main order is easy to see: your view, a point about games and books, a point about useful TV, then your final view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: