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Writing Samples
Band 5

It is often difficult for young people to find a good job without previous work experience. Governments should encourage employers to choose young people when they need new workers. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is widely argued whether employers should recruit more young
generations
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, regardless of
lacking
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a lack of
 related experience. Admittedly, since AI is taking entry-level of job, these youngsters may struggle to get experience
that is
Linking Words
 mostly already being automated by AI.
While
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 hiring younger
generations
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 may bring more innovations for the
company
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's development, I highly believe that it posess higher risk and financial burden for the employers.
Body paragraph 1
On the one
side
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hand
show examples
, adding new workers from younger
generations
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 can add more perspectives of current development of technology. Admittedly, younger
generations
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 have longer exposure to social media, equipped them with prominent experiences.
Moreover
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, having employees from distinct
generations
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 may generate more innovative combined ideas, which eventually can develop the companies even
further
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.
For instance
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, in
social
Correct article usage
the social
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 media marketing sector, hiring young
people
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 is increasingly common,
this
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 is particularly because they have higher knowledge of how social media works.
While
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 recruiting younger
generations
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 may be significant
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 certain
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
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, companies may have multiple risks
on
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in
show examples
 adding them to the team.
Body paragraph 2
On the other
side
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hand
show examples
, taking employees with no practical
experiences
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experience
show examples
 can increase
financial
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the financial
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 burden for the
company
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.
While
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 young
people
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, especially fresh graduates, are mostly equipped with strong
theoritical
Correct your spelling
theoretical
 foundations, they are still lacking problem-solving skills
on
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in
show examples
 unpredictable real-world situations.
For example
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,
although
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 new graduates may get used to
solve
Wrong verb form
solving
show examples
 business cases,
real life
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real-life
 conditions and customers' needs are significantly more complicated.
Consequently
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, they have to undergo training periods, and businesses need to allocate their budget for
this
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.
Moreover
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, hiring experts eliminates the risk of exposing
credential informations of the
Correct word order
the company's credential information
show examples
company
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.
This
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 is particularly because new workers with insufficient
experiences
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experience
show examples
 tend to make accidental mistakes.
For instance
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, if positions in cybersecurity
given
Verb problem
are given
show examples
 to fresh graduates, the
company
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 may be exposed to digital
vulnurabilities
Correct your spelling
vulnerabilities
, especially when
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wrong code is accidentally integrated with the main system.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 young
people
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 may work better in social-media-related occupations, the cost needed by companies to mitigate the risk of
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company's
Correct article usage
the company's
show examples
 privacy breach
as well as
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 to provide them with adequate training can
overweight
Replace the word
outweigh
 the advantages.
Thus
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, I partly disagree that
business
Check wording
businesses
show examples
 should
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 who need employment.

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task response
State your exact position more clearly in the first part. “Partly disagree” is good, but say what the government should do instead. For example, it could ask firms to give young people training or short work places, rather than ask firms to choose them first.
task response
Discuss the government’s role more fully. The question is about what governments should encourage, but most of your essay is about what companies may lose. Add ideas such as tax help, paid training, or rules for first-job places.
task response
Make the two sides more equal. Your first body part gives one main good point, while the second has several risks. Add one more strong reason why firms may choose young people, such as lower pay needs, new skills, or long-term growth.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler topic sentences. For example: “Young workers can help firms with new ideas.” Then explain this idea. This will make each part easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “Admittedly” and “This is particularly because”. Use a wider but simple set of links, such as “Also”, “However”, “As a result”, and “For this reason”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Break them into two shorter sentences. For example, explain the training cost in one sentence and the effect on the company in the next.
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and spelling because they can hide your meaning. For example, use “young people” instead of “young generations”, “possesses”, “theoretical”, “vulnerabilities”, and “confidential information”.
task response
Your view is clear: you partly disagree because young people can bring new ideas, but they can also need more time, money, and care from a company.
task response
You use clear examples about social media, training, and computer safety. These help show why you think this way.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The reader can follow your main line of thought.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “On the one side”, “On the other side”, “For instance”, and “Consequently” to join ideas.
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