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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places that entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Some
people
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 think that
museums
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 should be the
place
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 where
people
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 can enjoy the views and entertain themselves,
while
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 others believe that we should use
museums
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 only for learning things.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and give my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
museums
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 should be a
place
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 where
people
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 can enjoy sculptures and art. There are a lot of
museums
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 in Tashkent
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are really good places to gather your thoughts and relax your mind.
However
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,
people
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 like to visit
museums
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 with their kids because it is a fantastic
place
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 to distract
children
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 from phones.
As a result
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,
children
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 will be interested in ancient times and history.
For instance
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, my close friend likes to go there just to relax and enjoy the beautiful surroundings, and it is a good
place
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 to spend quality time with yourself.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, a lot of
people
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 argue that the purpose of a
museum
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 is to educate youngsters.
Museums
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 are the best
place
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 to learn about ancient times and history.
Museums
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 are really spectacular for
children
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 and youngsters to do
some
Correct determiner usage
a
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 research project at their school, they can find
several
Correct determiner usage
a lot of
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 information that may help them.
For example
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, the
Museum
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 of Applied Arts in Uzbekistan is a suitable
place
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 for
children
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 because they can learn about traditional Uzbek culture
while
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 enjoying beautiful artworks, and I think it is a very effective way to improve their
ove
Correct your spelling
love
 for their own culture.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
people
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 can use
museums
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to
Change preposition
for
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 both of these purposes. Enjoying
with
Change preposition
apply
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the
museum
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's incredible view is not bad, and you can relax from work.
Although
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,
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
museum
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 is a good
place
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 for
children
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 to learn new things and explore history.

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task response
Make your own opinion stronger. Say clearly that museums should have both jobs, but explain which job is more important, if any. Then support this view in one body paragraph.
task response
Develop each main idea more. For example, explain how fun parts, such as games or child activities, can make young people want to learn more.
task response
Use examples that directly show both enjoyment and learning. Your final example does this well, so you could add one more detail about what children see or do there.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas need to be clearer. “However” does not fit well before the idea about parents taking children to museums. Use “Also” or “In addition” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the meaning of each paragraph focused. In the first body paragraph, move from relaxing to children and history with a clearer link, so the change does not feel sudden.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending more direct and smooth. Write: “In conclusion, museums should both entertain and educate people.” Then give one short reason.
coherence and cohesion
Check a few word forms and small errors because they can make the flow less clear. For example, write “find information”, not “find several information”, and correct “ove” to “love”.
task response
You discuss both ideas and give your own view at the end. Your main point is clear: museums can help people enjoy art and also learn.
task response
You use clear examples, such as museums in Tashkent and the Museum of Applied Arts in Uzbekistan. These make your ideas feel real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. The phrases “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay on one main idea, so the reader can understand the flow easily.
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