IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people now take extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing.why do people risk their life's in this way,and do you think this is a good trend?

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Introduction
Some people nowadays go on dangerous activities,
such
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 as climbing Mount Everest or
traveling
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travelling
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 to the north and south poles, which can be reckless from the average
person
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person's
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 perspective.
Body paragraph 1
From their
perspective
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perspective,
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 I can see why they would risk their life
, there
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. There
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 is something called adrenaline
due to
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 being extremely anxious and afraid
and
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, and
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 some individuals like that feeling
with
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. With
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this
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 in
mind
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mind,
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 it can be scientifically addictive, just like a drug
some
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, some
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 individuals might feel.
Moreover
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, it can be an exciting moment and reveal a new life meaning to some people
,
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. In
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in addition
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, it can be a goal they want to achieve just like everyone else
, if
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. If
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 they are
well trained
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well-trained
, physically capable, and have planned their trip carefully, which reduces the risk involved.
Furthermore
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, their memories can live on because they have done something hardly
any one
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anyone
 can do.
Body paragraph 2
In my opinion, I do not think
its
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it's
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 a good trend because some individuals have families, friends, children, and other responsibilities
,
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. For
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for example
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, I cannot imagine what
will
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apply
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they
do
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would do
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 if they died or
other
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have other
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 disabilities.
Body paragraph 3
However
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,
this
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 is only safe if they are
well trained
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well-trained
 and at least aware of the dangers involved,
for example
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, extreme weather conditions, which can cause frostbite, or attacks from polar bears and sea lions.
In addition
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, I once saw an interview with an Everest climber who said he had come across the body of a climber who had died there fifteen years earlier, still preserved by the extreme cold
a
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, a
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disturbing reminder of how permanent these risks can be.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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such
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 activities can bring excitement and a lasting sense of achievement, I believe they are ultimately too selfish and reckless for those with families and other responsibilities

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task response
Make your main reasons more direct. For example, say that people do these things for a strong feeling, a hard goal, and a sense of pride. Then explain each reason in one short, clear way.
task response
Your view is clear, but it is a little too strong when you call all such people “selfish”. Some may take care, train for years, and know the risk. Say that it is not a good trend when people are not ready or do not think about their family.
task response
Develop the point about family more. Explain how a death or a bad injury can change the lives of children, partners, and parents.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas can be smoother. Put all reasons for taking risks in one body part, and all reasons why the trend is bad in the next body part. The paragraph that starts with “However” repeats the point about training and safety from the first body part.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer long sentences. Some sentences have many ideas joined together, so they are hard to follow. Break them into two or three shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas more exact. For example, instead of “From their perspective”, write “People may choose these activities because...”. Instead of “with this in mind”, state the next idea directly.
coherence and cohesion
Add a short opening that gives your answer at once. For example: “People take part in extreme sports for excitement and pride, but I believe this is not a good trend if the risk is very high.”
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You explain why people take risks, and you clearly say that you do not see this as a good trend.
task response
Your examples are clear and linked to the topic, such as Everest, the poles, bad weather, and the climber’s body.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear end. The last paragraph brings your main view together in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “Moreover”, “Furthermore”, “However”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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