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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, children are spending more time playing video games than playing outside.Question 1: What are the causes of this trend?Question 2: What effects does this have on their development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, Kids like to engage more in Indoor
games
Use synonyms
 rather than Outdoor Sports.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 change and its consequences on their growth.
Body paragraph 1
The key reasons behind the rise
popularity
Change preposition
in popularity
show examples
 of Online
games
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the increase in
variety
Correct article usage
the variety
show examples
 of Video
games
Use synonyms
 and changing habits. Outdoor
games
Use synonyms
 are limited
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
compared to the number of online
games
Use synonyms
. After every few months, new
games
Use synonyms
 are launched in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 market
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 attracts the youngsters for buying it.
This
Linking Words
 can improve their experience and strengthen their brain by using it in the completion of every game.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, youngsters can play video
games
Use synonyms
 at
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
home by sitting in a relaxing way
anytime
Change preposition
at any time
show examples
 of the day .
For Example
Linking Words
, Kids after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school can sit and relax
for playing
Wrong verb form
to play
show examples
 video
games
Use synonyms
 of their preference at their house.
Body paragraph 2
Although
Linking Words
 children like to play online
Use synonyms
games
Punctuation problem
games,
show examples
Linking Words
however i
Correct word choice
I
show examples
 firmly believe that it is predominantly harmful. The most significant effect is the lack of discipline. Kids develop discipline by competing
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
with players of other teams .
This
Linking Words
 can lead to
loss
Correct article usage
a loss
show examples
 of fighting spirit in themselves.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it will make them physically weak. Because of
this
Linking Words
, they will get tired easily and will avoid participating in school Atheletic Competitions.
For Instance
Linking Words
, Children will suffer from breathing issues after running for
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 metres and can get exhausted .
Conclusion
In Conclusion, Online
games
Use synonyms
 are becoming more common .
However
Linking Words
, its downsides can lead to serious problems. I believe that by replacing indoor
games
Use synonyms
 with an often wasteful pursuit,
this
Linking Words
 trend has ultimately negative effects on both youngsters and society.

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task response
Answer both parts with clear main ideas. The causes are clear: more game choices and easy play at home. Add one more cause, such as parents feeling that home is safer or a lack of parks.
task response
Explain each point more fully. For example, say how long screen time can reduce sleep, active play, and time with other children. This will make the effects on growth clearer.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but make them more real and exact. Instead of only saying children get tired, explain that less running and team play can make fitness and social skills weaker.
task response
Keep the focus on video games and outdoor play. The final line says indoor games are wasteful, but some indoor games can be useful. Say that too much video gaming is the main problem.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear plan: introduction, one paragraph for causes, one paragraph for effects, and a short conclusion. Your essay mostly follows this plan well.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as 'also', 'as a result', and 'for example' can show how one idea leads to the next. Do not join two full ideas with only 'however'.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body paragraph state the main point clearly. Then give an explanation and one example. This will help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'games', 'kids', and 'children' too often. You can sometimes use 'young people', 'this habit', or 'this trend' to make the writing flow better.
task response
You answer both questions and give clear causes and effects.
task response
The points about easy access at home and less physical strength are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear topic, and you use examples to support your ideas.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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