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Band 5.5

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

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The given bar chart compares the proportion of
both
Use synonyms
 genders,
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
,
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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who
aged
Verb problem
were aged
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 60-64
who were
Correct word choice
and
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 employed in four different nations in two years (1970 and 2000).
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 all figures showed a downward trajectory throughout the period. It is
also
Linking Words
 evident that
males
Use synonyms
 in the USA had the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 in the initial year,
whereas
Linking Words
females
Use synonyms
 stood apart in four countries with the lowest fraction in
both
Use synonyms
 years. In detail, the share of
men
Use synonyms
 in Belgium accounted for 79% in 1970, compared with 63% for
women
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
both
Use synonyms
 of these figures experienced a downward trend
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
males
Use synonyms
 decreased to 52% by the end of the timeframe.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
females
Use synonyms
 declined sharply to 8%, making it the lowest proportion by 2000.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there was a slight difference of 8
percentage
Use synonyms
 points between
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 in the USA, at 86% and 78% in 1970, respectively. By 2000,
men
Use synonyms
 decreased slightly to 78%,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 dipped gradually to 45%.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend, the remaining countries, namely Japan and Indonesia. Meanwhile, in
Japan
Add a comma
Japan,
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 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
 who were employed stood at 76% in 1970, where
women
Use synonyms
 represented 56%.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 decreased steadily to 63% by 2000,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 dipped by 19
percentage
Use synonyms
 points, to 47% in the same year.
Linking Words
Last
Correct article usage
The last
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 country was Indonesia
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 84% for
men
Use synonyms
 and 65% for
women
Use synonyms
 in the initial year.
Likewise
Linking Words
,
both
Use synonyms
 of which declined,
males
Use synonyms
 dropped by 10
percentage
Use synonyms
 points, to 74% over a 30-year span,
whereas
Linking Words
females
Use synonyms
 decreased slightly to 50% .

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas, while".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words both, males, females, percentage, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dipped" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "downward" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 3 times.
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