IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Whether to provide equal opportunities to every individual or to praise them on the basis of their merits has become a topic of debate.
While
Linking Words
 some people believe that
society
Use synonyms
 should treat everyone equally by giving simmilar chance to all, others argue that every individual
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 their own
stregth
Correct your spelling
strength
 and talent, and they can use them to be successful. In my opinion, both things are equally important. The
society
Use synonyms
 needs not only
equality
Use synonyms
 of opportunities, but
also
Linking Words
 a reward system
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 individuals as per their abilities and efforts.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, everyone should
get equally treated
Correct word order
be treated equally
show examples
 without knowing their backgrounds and financial status. Every
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
 should get equal chances to get education, healthcare, and workplace
opprtunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
.
This
Linking Words
 behaviour of
society
Use synonyms
 will provide
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
help to the people who are from disadvantaged backgrounds.
For instance
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, scholarships or subsidies can allow talented students from
low income
Correct your spelling
low-income
 families to succeed. In
this
Linking Words
 way, they can achieve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal growth and become successful without social discrimination.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, competition and rewards motivate people. Entrepreneurs may work harder when success depends on effort and ability. Many individuals
willing
Verb problem
are willing
show examples
 to do
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 beyond the limit to achieve the desired goal. Excessive
equality
Use synonyms
 can sometimes reduce the incentives and
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
delay the success of
deserving
Correct article usage
a deserving
show examples
 candidate.
For example
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, a person who really wants to become a doctor
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 studied hard for the exams and achieved exceptional marks to get admission, but due
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 reservation quota, his seat is allotted to the student who got the scholarship.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to nervousness and depression, and can unbalance the
society
Use synonyms
's growth.
Conclusion
In my opinion, both
equality
Use synonyms
 and merit matter.
Equality
Use synonyms
 should mean equal opportunities, not necessarily equal outcomes. Governments should organised the balance approach and
introduced
Wrong verb form
introduce
show examples
such
Linking Words
 rules and regulations that can do justice
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 everyone and motivate
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 achieve big things, and at the same time can contribute to the
society
Use synonyms
's growth.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To improve, explain more fully why equal chances help people achieve more, and why merit-based rewards help society.
task response
Your example about a medical place is not fully clear. A student with a scholarship can still have high marks. Use an example that shows the main point more fairly, such as a job given to a less able worker only because of a fixed rule.
task response
Avoid saying that one case will cause depression or harm all of society. These claims are too strong without support. Explain the possible effect in a calm and clear way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and your view. Keep this same plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. For example, change “Many individuals willing to do hardwork” to “As a result, many people are willing to work very hard.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the last body paragraph, focus on rewards for effort and skill; do not move too quickly from competition to quotas, stress, and society’s growth.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: “On the one hand, equal chances allow able people from poor homes to succeed.” Then give one example and explain its result.
coherence and cohesion
In the final paragraph, state a more direct plan. For example, say that governments should give good schools and health care to all, while jobs and places should mainly depend on skill and effort.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both sides and give a balanced personal view.
task response
The scholarship example is relevant and helps show how equal chances can support people from low-income homes.
coherence and cohesion
The four-paragraph form is easy to follow, and the use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” clearly shows the two views.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion returns to the main idea that equal chances and merit can work together.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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