IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

**In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.**

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Introduction
Whether
individuals
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 should be given equal
opportunities
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 or rewarded
according to
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 their merits has become a topic of debate.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that
society
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 should provide similar
opportunities
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 to
everyone
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, others argue that
individuals
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 should be rewarded
according to
Linking Words
 their abilities and achievements. In my opinion, both principles are important because
society
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 needs to ensure
equality
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 of opportunity
while
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also
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 recognising individual effort and talent.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
everyone
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 should have access to basic
opportunities
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 regardless of their social or financial background.
This
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 includes equal access to education, healthcare and employment
opportunities
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.
Such
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 an approach can particularly benefit
people
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 from disadvantaged backgrounds, who may
otherwise
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 struggle to reach their full potential.
For instance
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, scholarships and financial assistance can allow talented students from low-income families to receive a quality education and develop successful careers. In
this
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 way,
equality
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 of opportunity can promote social mobility and reduce discrimination.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, competition and rewards can motivate
people
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 to achieve more. When
individuals
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 know that their effort, talent and achievements will be recognised, they are more likely to work hard and pursue ambitious goals.
For example
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, if employees receive promotions based on their performance, highly productive workers are likely to remain motivated because their additional effort can lead to career advancement.
In contrast
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, if
everyone
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 receives the same rewards regardless of their contribution, some
people
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 may lose the incentive to excel.
Therefore
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, recognising individual merit can encourage productivity, innovation and personal achievement.
Body paragraph 3
In my opinion, both
equality
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 and merit are essential for a successful
society
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.
Equality
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 should mean equal
opportunities
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 rather than identical outcomes. Governments should
therefore
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 adopt a balanced approach by ensuring that
everyone
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 has a fair starting point
while
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also
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 creating systems that reward
individuals
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according to
Linking Words
 their abilities and efforts.
This
Linking Words
 can promote both social fairness and economic development.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 equal
opportunities
Use synonyms
 are necessary to ensure fairness and social mobility, individual merit should
also
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 be recognised and rewarded. A
society
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 that combines these two principles can give
people
Use synonyms
 a fair chance to succeed
while
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 encouraging them to achieve their full potential.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make the answer even stronger, explain more directly why equal chances can lead to higher personal success, not only to fairness.
task response
Your examples are clear and fit the main ideas. You could add one more real or more detailed example, such as how free public schools help a skilled child become a doctor, teacher, or business owner.
task response
Your opinion is clear: people need the same fair start, but results do not need to be the same. Keep this clear link to the question in each main part.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a very clear order: opening, first view, second view, your view, and ending. This makes it easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main point and develops it well. You use linking words such as 'On the one hand', 'For instance', 'In contrast', and 'Therefore' in a natural way.
coherence and cohesion
To make the flow even smoother, vary repeated words such as 'opportunities', 'individuals', and 'society'. You can sometimes use simple words like 'chances', 'people', or 'the public'.
coherence and cohesion
The last two paragraphs repeat the same main idea a little. This is not a big problem, but the ending could be shorter and add one final clear point instead of restating many earlier ideas.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the value of equality, the value of merit, and your own balanced view.
task response
The scholarship example and the work promotion example clearly support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening gives a clear plan, and your ending matches the view given at the start.
coherence and cohesion
The use of separate paragraphs helps the reader follow your ideas with ease.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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