IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In the latest decades, we have seen a surge in housing and grocery prices.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, more and more people focus on monetary gain rather than
job
Use synonyms
 satisfaction. Sadly, there is nothing that we can do to reverse
this
Linking Words
, so the best approach is to chase financial freedom.
Due to
Linking Words
 these facts, I completely agree that a big salary is significantly more important
due to
Linking Words
increased
Correct article usage
the increased
show examples
 difficulty of achieving financial freedom and comfort.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is well known that everything is getting more expensive by the day, and that leads more people to be financially troubled. To exemplify, we have the soaring housing prices which have led the average age to own a house
sky-rocket
Wrong verb form
to skyrocket
show examples
 from twenty in the twentieth century to thirty and above these days.
This
Linking Words
, in return, has made it
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
more important to earn a hefty salary, leading people to a troubled
job
Use synonyms
 life.
Linking Words
Thus
Punctuation problem
Thus,
show examples
 it is apparent that many would rather sacrifice their health so that they can be comfortable outside work hours.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, comparing the hours that an average person
spend
Correct subject-verb agreement
spends
show examples
 at their
job
Use synonyms
, which is roughly fifty, and outside of it, a hundred fifty, makes the choice that much more obvious.
For instance
Linking Words
, we have seen more and more young adults choose physical work, destroying their bodies, for a paycheck
that is
Linking Words
 bigger. Many consider that spending time receiving
superior
Correct article usage
a superior
show examples
 education is a waste of time and money, choosing to earn at a younger age.
Therefore
Linking Words
, we can see a growing trend that supports our argument.
Conclusion
To summarise, being comfortable at your
job
Use synonyms
 isn't the right approach in today's world
due to
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an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 increased difficulty of earning financial security and having an enjoyable life outside of work.
As a result
Linking Words
, the idea that monetary gain is of a higher priority is strongly reasoned. After thorough analysis
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the subject,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 unless the economy stabilizes
this
Linking Words
 trend will continue endlessly.

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task response
State your main view more clearly. You agree that pay matters more, but also say people may give up their health. Explain why this cost is still worth it, or say that a high pay should not mean unsafe work.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear link to the question. In the first body part, explain how high home and food costs make a large pay more important. In the second, explain why more time outside work makes money useful for life, not just say that people work long hours.
task response
Use more exact examples. The claim about the age of home owners needs a place, time, or source. You could give a simple real example of a person who chose a higher-paid job to pay rent or save for a home.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Make the links between ideas more direct. For example, after housing costs, show how this leads to the need for a higher-paid job.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each body part. The first body part moves from prices to health too fast. The second moves from work hours to physical work and then education. Split these ideas or explain the links more fully.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “Thus”, “Therefore”, and “As a result” are useful, but make sure the next sentence is the real result of the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “these facts”, “this”, and “our argument” when the reader may not know exactly what they mean. Name the idea again, such as “high living costs” or “the need for financial safety”.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
Your ideas about rising living costs, home prices, and financial safety are on topic and fit your main view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, two body parts, and a closing.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “To summarise”, so the reader can follow the main order of your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • financial security
  • motivation
  • luxuries
  • material possessions
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • stress levels
  • mental well-being
  • job security
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