IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Families have a great influence on children's development, but the outside world plays a bigger part in children's life. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
It is argued that
outside
Correct article usage
the outside
show examples
 world plays a bigger role in children’s lives than family in their development.
This
Linking Words
 essay disagrees with that suggestion completely because it all comes from the way you were raised.
Body paragraph 1
When we grow
up
Punctuation problem
up,
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 we become an adult, an independent person
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 our parents still try to guide us no matter what,
that is
Linking Words
 to say that even though we are grown-up
for
Punctuation problem
, for
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mother
Correct determiner usage
our mother
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 and
father
Punctuation problem
father,
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 we remain children.
For example
Linking Words
, my grandmother will always give a piece of advice to my mother, even though she doesn’t ask for it,
Linking Words
due to
Correct word choice
because
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 she is
older
Punctuation problem
older,
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 she knows more.
Body paragraph 2
At the same time
from
Punctuation problem
, from
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 the moment we were
born
Add a comma
born,
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 our family spends every minute
for
Change preposition
apply
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raising and teaching us to do everything, from how to eat
ourselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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to how to
socialising
Wrong verb form
socialise
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. And going back to the
beginning
Punctuation problem
beginning,
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 “It all comes from the way you were raised
”
Punctuation problem
”,
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this
Linking Words
 expression is 100% true because to raise a kid is a big responsibility
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it all depends on the parents,
whereas
Linking Words
 the only thing which society is able to do is
judging
Wrong verb form
judge
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, children should rely on their family
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
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 helps when
you
Fix the agreement mistake
they
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 need and not
to
Wrong verb form
apply
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depend on
outside
Correct article usage
the outside
show examples
 world.

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task response
You give a clear answer: family has the main role. However, the question asks you to compare family with the outside world. Explain more clearly why family has a bigger effect, and add one full idea about school, friends, media, or the local area.
task response
Your main ideas need more support. The example about your grandmother and mother is about adults, not children. Use an example of a child learning values, language, rules, or how to act from parents at home.
task response
Avoid very strong claims such as society can only judge. The outside world can also teach children through school, friends, sports, books, and work. You can say these things matter, but family gives the first and most lasting help.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body parts, and an ending, so the basic plan is clear. Make each body paragraph start with one clear main idea, then explain it, and then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Split them into shorter sentences. For example, say: 'Parents guide children for many years. This help often continues when children become adults.'
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Try: 'First,' 'For example,' 'Also,' 'However,' and 'Therefore.' Do not repeat 'it all comes from the way you were raised' many times; explain this idea in different words instead.
task response
You state your position clearly at the start and keep the same view until the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and ending, and the two body paragraphs focus on family support and family teaching.
task response
You try to include a personal example, which is useful when it directly shows how children are shaped by family.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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