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Writing Samples
Band 4

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where they are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the governmet has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the governmet or the family? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In Britain, many old
people
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 live in special homes where nurses and
others
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
 workers take
care
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 of them. I believe that the
government
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 should pay most of the cost because elderly
people
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 have worked and paid taxes for many years.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
government
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 should provide financial
support
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 for old
people
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 because they may not have enough savings to pay for expensive
care
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.
This
Linking Words
 means that they could receive help without becoming a financial burden for their
families
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.
For example
Linking Words
, an elderly person who has a small pension may not be able to
affort
Correct your spelling
afford
 some extra
care
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 at home, so
government
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support
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 would allow them to live in asafe and comfortable place with
people
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 like them.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
,
families
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 should not be responsible for all the costs because they may already have their own financial problems.
This
Linking Words
 is because young
families
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 need to pay for their children's education, housing and everyday expenses.
For instance
Linking Words
, a family with two children might struggle to pay thousands of pounds every month for a relative's
care
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
government
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support
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 would reduce
this
Linking Words
preassure
Correct your spelling
pressure
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that the
government
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 should pay for the costs of elderly
care
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.
Families
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 should still visit them and
support
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 their relatives with whatever they can, but the main financial
responsibillix
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 should belong to the
government
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, as it is in charge of its
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 happiness and safety.

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task response
Your view is clear: the government should pay most of the cost. To make your answer stronger, explain why this is fair in more detail. For example, say that old people paid tax when they worked, so they should get help when they need it.
task response
Your two main ideas are good, but add one short point about the family role. You say families should visit and help, but you could explain that they can give care and love even if they cannot pay a large bill.
task response
Your examples fit the topic. Make them feel more real by adding one clear detail, such as the cost of care or the kind of help an old person needs each day.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this simple plan in future essays because it makes your ideas easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “For example”, and “Therefore” well. In the last main part, “Therefore, the government support would reduce this pressure” should end with a full stop.
coherence and cohesion
Make some links between sentences more clear. For example, after saying families have money problems, state directly that this is why the government should pay the main cost.
coherence and cohesion
Check small writing errors, as they can make the text less easy to read: “affort” should be “afford”, “asafe” should be “a safe”, “preassure” should be “pressure”, and “responsibillix” should be “responsibility”.
task response
You answer the main question directly and keep the same view from the start to the end.
task response
You give clear reasons: some old people do not have enough money, and many families cannot pay a large care bill.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one clear idea, followed by an example. This helps the reader understand your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats your main view and also gives families a clear role: they should visit and help their old relatives.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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