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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

ome people believe that women should play an equal role to men in a country's police or military forces, while others think that women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Some people believe that
women
Use synonyms
 should play an equal role to men in a country's
police
Use synonyms
 or military forces,
while
Linking Words
 others think that
women
Use synonyms
 are not suitable for these kinds of
jobs
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Body paragraph 2
Nowadays, there are ongoing debate that 0women should have
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 opportunities as men in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
police
Use synonyms
 and military.
Whereas
Linking Words
 some people think
women
Use synonyms
 are unsuitable for these types of professions, others believe that there should be equal opportunities for
women
Use synonyms
 working these
jobs
Use synonyms
. I firmly believe
women
Use synonyms
 should be given
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 allowance to work these professions.
Body paragraph 3
On the one hand, there are enough reasons why some people believe females are not suitable for working
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a
police
Use synonyms
 or government-related position.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there are some dire requirements, including
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 being
endure
Wrong verb form
enduring
show examples
 and resilient. There are some challenging duties,
such
Linking Words
 as carrying heavy items, which require a great deal of physical strength.
Secondly
Linking Words
, military
personnels
Check wording
personnel
show examples
 may be required to work in extremely demanding conditions for long periods, which can make these careers challenging.
For example
Linking Words
, many
police
Use synonyms
 workers are
accompanied
Verb problem
transferred
show examples
 to other regions, where
living
Correct article usage
the living
show examples
 quality is low. These demands can cause pressing difficulties for females.
Body paragraph 4
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 strict requirements not only for physical strength, but
also
Linking Words
 for indispensable skills. Being
master
Correct article usage
a master
show examples
 in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
decision-making, problem-solving, and
communicating
Replace the word
communication
 is necessary for military
jobs
Use synonyms
. It is
fact
Correct article usage
a fact
show examples
 that most
women
Use synonyms
 contribute
significantly
Rephrase
more significantly
show examples
 than males. More importantly, employees should focus on merit-based strategies. Namely, choosing a worker focusing on skills is
paramount
Rephrase
more paramount
show examples
 than a gender. There are some females
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who are better in both physical and educational ability.
As a result
Linking Words
, there should be an equal
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
 for them. Working in
Use synonyms
police
Correct article usage
the police
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 or military profession helps them to assimilate important skills, in the future.
For instance
Linking Words
, they have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
experience and
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
show examples
 to steer in emergencies.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 military and
police
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
 are challenging and demanding, there should be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gender equality. The most appropriate approach is to assess applicants
according to
Linking Words
 their physical, mental and professional degree rather than their genders.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To improve, explain more fully why women may face hard physical work and why this does not mean they cannot do the job. Say that job roles are different and each person should be judged by the needs of the role.
task response
Some ideas are too general or unclear. For example, “most women contribute significantly than males” is not clear and is too broad. Use a more careful point, such as women may bring strong communication, care, and decision skills.
task response
Use more exact examples. The example about police workers going to regions with low living quality does not clearly show why women are less suitable. A better example could be women police officers helping female victims feel safe enough to speak.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the main point of each paragraph clearer in its first sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas more smoothly. In the first main paragraph, explain the physical point, then give an example, then show why some people worry. In the second, explain skills, give an example, and link this back to equal chance.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid sentences that are hard to understand, such as “Being master in a decision-making” and “assimilate important skills.” Use short, clear sentences: “Military staff need good decision-making, problem-solving, and communication skills.”
coherence and cohesion
Check word choice and grammar because errors sometimes hide your meaning. For example, write “There is an ongoing debate,” “the same opportunities,” “police officers,” “military personnel,” and “gender” rather than “genders.”
task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain both views and clearly state that women should have equal chances.
task response
Your final view is fair and clear: people should be chosen by their physical, mental, and work skills, not only by sex.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand,” “On the other hand,” and “To sum up” helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion matches the main view in the introduction, so the essay feels complete.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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