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Band 7

The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15-year-olds spend chatting on the Internet and playing on game consoles on an average school day in the UK

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The bar chart illustrates the percentages of 10- to 15-year-olds who spent different amounts of
time
Use synonyms
 chatting on the internet and playing on
games
Use synonyms
 consoles on an average school day in the UK.
Overall
Linking Words
,
boys
Use synonyms
 spent considerably more
time
Use synonyms
 playing on
games
Use synonyms
 consoles than
girls
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,
while
Linking Words
girls
Use synonyms
 spent more
time
Use synonyms
 chatting on the internet. Playing
games
Use synonyms
 was
also
Linking Words
 more common among
boys
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 chatting online was more common among
girls
Use synonyms
. In terms of chatting on the internet, around 26% of
boys
Use synonyms
 spent less than an hour doing
this
Linking Words
, compared with approximately 25% of
girls
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. About 25% of
boys
Use synonyms
 spent between one and three
hours
Use synonyms
 chatting online,
while
Linking Words
 the figure for
girls
Use synonyms
 was higher, at around 35%. Only a small proportion of both groups spent four
hours
Use synonyms
 or more on
this
Linking Words
 activity, at about 4% of
boys
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 and 8% of
girls
Use synonyms
. Regarding
Use synonyms
games
Check wording
game
show examples
 consoles, approximately 30% of
boys
Use synonyms
 spent less than an hour playing
games
Use synonyms
, compared with 37% of
girls
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.
However
Linking Words
, the figure for one to three
hours
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 was much higher among
boys
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, at about 44%,
while
Linking Words
 only 14% of
girls
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 spent
this
Linking Words
 amount of
time
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.
Finally
Linking Words
, around 11% of
boys
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 spent four
hours
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 or more playing
games
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, compared with just 1% of
girls
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, games, boys, girls, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amounts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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