IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others believe that people should have the freedom to participate in any sport or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
There is an ongoing debate about
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 allowance of dangerous
sports
Use synonyms
 and
activities
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.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that extreme
sports
Use synonyms
 should be banned by
government
Correct article usage
the government
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, others believe that
people
Use synonyms
 should be independent when they choose their preferred sport.
Whereas
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 prohibiting
such
Linking Words
activities
Use synonyms
 can reduce the risk of severe injuries, I believe that complete restriction is unnecessary and strict regulations are more effective solution.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are
some
Correct determiner usage
apply
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several reasons why many individuals think high-risk
sports
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 should be banned.
Firstly
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, there is a high risk of becoming injured. Participants, especially
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 without sufficient training and
preparing
Replace the word
preparation
, can be exposed to significant risk
while
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 taking part in
such
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activities
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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, they can add extra pressure on public healthcare.
People
Use synonyms
 who suffer from serious injuries may require expensive medical treatment and rehabilitation.
Therefore
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, banning these
activities
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 is beneficial not only for participants, but
also
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 for
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 healthcare system.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I think
people
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 should have
freedom
Correct article usage
the freedom
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 to choose
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 and
activities
Use synonyms
 that they want to take part in. Adults should be allowed to participate
hazardous
Change preposition
in hazardous
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sports
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, because they already know
its
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 potential risks behind
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
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.
Moreover
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, taking part in challenging
sports
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 can teach indispensable skills for life. Taking risks, being disciplined, and being resilient are useful skills and can be learned by participating
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such
Change preposition
in
show examples
 extreme
sports
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.
For example
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, participating in a demanding sporting activity can encourage individuals to overcome difficulties and become more mentally
stamina
Correct word choice
stable
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
although
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 dangerous
sports
Use synonyms
 can cause serious injuries and place pressure on healthcare services, I believe that a strict
banning
Replace the word
ban
 is unnecessary. Governments should regulate these
activities
Use synonyms
 strictly
while
Linking Words
 allowing individuals to make their own informed choices.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why rules are better than a full ban. For example, say that the state can ask for training, safety checks, and health cover.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic, but some need more detail. In the second main part, explain how hard sports build skills, then show how these skills help in daily life or work.
task response
Your example is too general. Use one clear case, such as rock climbing or skydiving, and explain what safety steps can lower the risk.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas can be smoother. After saying that adults know the risks, add a link such as “For this reason” before your point about freedom.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words too often, such as “activities” and “participating.” You can use “sports,” “events,” or “taking part” when the meaning stays clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main part follow one clear path: main point, reason, example, and short result. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain why some people want a ban, why others support freedom, and you state your own view.
task response
Your view is clear from the opening to the ending: full bans are not needed, but strong rules are needed.
coherence and cohesion
The opening gives a clear map of the essay, and the ending brings your main view back in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” helps the reader see the two sides of the issue.
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