IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 1

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on children. Others say that these games are only fun and have no effect on children. Discuss both ideas and give your opinion.

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“Television is a double-edged sword”. Most people think that violence on television and computer games
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a damaging effect on
children
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others say that these games are only for fun and aren’t harmful in any way.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
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 of
views
Check wording
view
show examples
 and state my opinion. On the one hand, television can be extremely harmful for
children
Use synonyms
 in many ways.
First,
Linking Words
it can result in them copying terrible habits
show
Wrong verb form
shown
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 on movies and
tv
Capitalize the proper name
TV
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 shows.
For example
Linking Words
, action movies contain a significant amount of unpleasant scenes
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can lead to
children
Use synonyms
 following them.
Second,
Linking Words
horror films include a number of
violence
Replace the word
violent
 scenes.
Also
Linking Words
, it is unlikely that
children
Use synonyms
 will imitate
parts of
Check wording
apply
show examples
violence seen on television.
Finally
Linking Words
,
tv
Capitalize the proper name
TV
show examples
 shows hold a lot of bullying moments
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 in schools.
This
Linking Words
 can end in leading
children
Use synonyms
 onto using bullying against their classmates.

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task response
Your writing does not yet answer all parts of the question. You need a full paragraph about the view that games and TV are only fun and do not harm children. Then give your own clear view in the last paragraph.
task response
Make your main view clear. For example, you may say that violent TV and games can harm some children, but this depends on the child, the time spent, and help from parents.
task response
Explain each point more fully. Do not only say that children may copy violence. Say why this may happen and what the result may be, such as fights, fear, or bad behavior at school.
task response
Use real or clear examples. For example, a child may see a fight in a game and then think that hitting a classmate is funny or normal.
coherence and cohesion
Your first paragraph has a clear start, but the essay stops too early. Add a second main paragraph and a short final paragraph to make the whole essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. In the first main paragraph, focus on harm from violent TV and games. In the next paragraph, focus only on why some people think they are harmless fun.
coherence and cohesion
Some link words are used well, such as “First”, “Second”, and “Finally”. However, “Also” does not fit because the next sentence says children are unlikely to copy violence, which goes against the point before it.
coherence and cohesion
Check that ideas do not clash. You first say children may copy violent scenes, but then say they are unlikely to copy them. Choose one clear idea, or explain that different children may react in different ways.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple ending to bring your ideas together. For example: “In my view, violent shows and games are not always harmful, but adults should limit what young children watch and play.”
task response
You clearly introduce the two views in the question and say that you will give your own view.
task response
You give several possible ways that violent media may harm children, including copying bad acts and bullying.
coherence and cohesion
Your first main paragraph has a clear order through “First”, “Second”, and “Finally”.
coherence and cohesion
The topic sentence clearly tells the reader that the paragraph will discuss harm to children.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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