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Band 4.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on children. Others say that these games are only fun and have no effect on children. Discuss both ideas and give your opinion.

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Introduction
“
Television
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 is a double-edged sword”. Most people think that violence on
television
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 and computer
games
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 a damaging effect on
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children
Punctuation problem
children,
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while
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 others say that these
games
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 are only for fun and aren’t harmful in any way.
This
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 essay will discuss both points of view and state my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
television
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 can be extremely harmful for
children
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 in many ways.
First,
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it can result in them copying terrible habits shown on movies and TV shows.
For example
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, action movies contain a significant amount of unpleasant scenes
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can lead to
children
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 following them.
Second,
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horror films include a number of violent scenes.
Also
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, it is unlikely that
children
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 will imitate
parts of
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apply
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violence seen on
television
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.
Finally
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,A range of episodes hold a lot of bullying moments, especially in schools.
This
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 can end in leading
children
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 onto using bullying against their classmates.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, a number of people do not agree with the fact that
television
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 and
video
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games
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 can harm
children
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.
First,
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they think that exposure to
television
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 and
video
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games
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 makes their
children
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 become more creative .
For example
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, when kids see a different and good amount of videos and scenes, it helps them think outside the box.
Second,
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several parents believe that watching TV has many benefits.
For instance
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, it helps
in filling
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fill
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 their
children
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’s free time.
Last
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 but not least, watching TV and
video
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games
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 may
grow
Verb problem
lead to
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 new habits in
children
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.
For example
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, watching movies and shows in different dialects
help
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helps
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children
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 learn a new language.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that
television
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 and
video
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games
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 may be harmful to one
and
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apply
show examples
another. In my opinion,
i
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I
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 hold the view that exposure to
television
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 and
video
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games
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 without parental supervision does harm
children
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.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. However, make your view clearer from the start. Say that violent content can harm children, mainly when adults do not watch or guide them.
task response
Keep the focus on violence. The good side should explain why some people think violent games and shows are just fun, not only why TV can help children learn or pass time.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. For example, say how a child may copy fighting, bad words, or bullying after seeing it many times.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. Instead of saying 'unpleasant scenes', give one short example, such as a child copying a fight from a game at school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first main part fully support one side and the second part fully support the other side.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas do not join well. In the first body part, you say violent scenes can make children copy violence, but then say children are unlikely to copy it. This weakens the point. Remove it or explain that not all children react in the same way.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. Try: 'One reason is...', 'Another reason is...', 'However...', and 'As a result...'.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last line clearer. Do not say TV and games are harmful 'to one and another'. Say that violent TV and games can harm children if parents do not set limits or talk about what children watch.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an opening, two body parts, and a closing.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful order words such as 'First', 'Second', and 'Finally' to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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