IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays, more and more people engage in dangerous activities, such as sky diving and motorcycling. Are you in favor of them? Use examples to support your opinion.

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Introduction
In the modern era,
increasing
Correct article usage
an increasing
show examples
 number of
citizrens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 participate in physically dangerous events,
such
Linking Words
 as sky diving and motorcycling.
Personally
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Personally,
show examples
 I am not into
such
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activities
Use synonyms
, as I should prioritise my physical safety,
while
Linking Words
 others may have different views
of
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on
show examples
 it.
Body paragraph 1
Some people reckon that engaging in dangerous
activities
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 can gain encouragement and excitement
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are difficult to acquire in normal daily life.
Successfuly
Correct your spelling
Successfully
 completing those challenges may offer them a sense of achievement
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they feel relaxed and joyful
afterward
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afterwards
show examples
.
For example
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, many office
worker
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workers
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 tend to invest in high-risk
activities
Use synonyms
,
such
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 as diving, bungee jumping and car racing, because they think these thrilling
feeling
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feelings
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 can offer them a sense of happiness that they hardly find from repeat schedule.
Body paragraph 2
In
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From
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 my
prospective
Replace the word
perspective
, there are a lot of alternatives for those
activities
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and
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, and
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 they can provide
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
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 sense of
fulfillment
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fulfilment
show examples
 as well. Physical safety is the most important thing in our lives
,
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;
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 we are unable to do anything without it. If we feel
boring
Correct word choice
bored
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 and
stressful
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stressed
 in our work or study life, we are supposed to join in some safe but
also
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 exciting
activities
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 like doing sports and playing video games.
For instance
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, playing basketbal require players to stay focused and analyse the situation immediately, which can help people leave the busy schedule and heavy assignments behind.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I do not support the views of participating in dangerous
activities
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 because of the concern
of
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for
show examples
 personal safety,
although
Linking Words
 some believe those challenges are relaxing and stimulating.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not support these activities. To make it stronger, explain more fully why the risk is too high. You could also say that safety rules may make some activities less dangerous, but serious harm can still happen.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but make them more real and clear. For example, explain how a safe sport can give stress relief and a sense of success without the same risk as skydiving or fast motorcycling.
task response
The point about video games is less strong because it is very different from a physical, risky activity. A safer active choice, such as climbing with trained staff, swimming, or team sports, would support your view better.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the link between ideas smoother. Start the second main part with a clear link such as: “However, I believe the risks are not worth the thrill.”
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas need clearer links inside the paragraphs. For example, after saying that people feel joy, add why this does not change your own view: the short-term thrill may not be worth a serious injury.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. In the first body part, state that people choose these activities for thrill and success. In the next body part, state that you oppose them because safety should come first.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear personal view from the start to the end.
task response
You include reasons for both sides, such as thrill, success, stress relief, and safety.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraph order is easy to follow: introduction, other view, your view, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples in both main paragraphs, which helps the reader understand your points.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Adrenaline rush
  • Thrill-seeker
  • Personal growth
  • Self-confidence
  • Social interaction
  • Like-minded individuals
  • Skill development
  • Concentration
  • Coordination
  • Discipline
  • Risk management
  • Safety awareness
  • Mental barriers
  • Challenge
  • Stress-relieving
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