IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people say that the only way to guarantee to get a good job is to complete a course in university education. Other claims that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work. How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
There is no denying the fact that
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 is tremendously important.
While
Linking Words
 it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
commonly held that gaining experinces are
also
Linking Words
 required, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that opposes it. In my opeining that compleing
education
Use synonyms
 and get experinces both demanded.
Body paragraph 1
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that nowadays, completing
education
Use synonyms
 to a higher level is mandatory. When someone gains a Bachler Degree from a
university
Use synonyms
 considers an advantage to easily find a
job
Use synonyms
 in a particular aspect.
This
Linking Words
 is because most of the companies think that well-educated individuals have more
experience
Use synonyms
 and knowledge about the
filed
Use the right word
field
show examples
 that
want
Correct pronoun usage
they want
show examples
 to hire for.
Also
Linking Words
, a complete
university
Use synonyms
 allows
graduated
Replace the word
graduate
 students to enrol in
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 level of
education
Use synonyms
 ,
such
Linking Words
 as a master’s degree.
For example
Linking Words
, during
searching
Replace the word
the search
 for a
job
Use synonyms
, at least one year of
experience
Use synonyms
 is highly recommended.
In addition
Linking Words
, the priority
given
Verb problem
is given
show examples
 to
people
Use synonyms
 who have another degree after
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 towards completing their
education
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 claim that the most important thing to get a
job
Use synonyms
 is to gain
experience
Use synonyms
. There are many jobs that do not require
experience
Use synonyms
. Despite the
education
Use synonyms
, you can build your own business and make a profit at the same time.
For example
Linking Words
, there are many entrepreneurs who have invested around the world
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 did not complete their
education
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
 ,
education
Use synonyms
 is not always the way to get a
job
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite
people
Use synonyms
 having different views. I believe that completing your
education
Use synonyms
 is one of the most important ways to gain a
job
Use synonyms
Linking Words
besides
Punctuation problem
, besides
show examples
 work
experience
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a clearer answer in the first paragraph. Say if you agree that both study and work experience are needed, and explain why.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. In the first body paragraph, explain how a degree gives useful skills. In the second, explain how work can teach skills that school may not teach.
task response
Make sure your examples support the point. The line about one year of experience does not clearly show why university is useful. Use an example of a job, such as doctor, teacher, or engineer.
task response
The second body paragraph has a mixed idea: it says some jobs do not need experience, but the paragraph is about the value of experience. Keep one clear idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, reasons for university, reasons for work experience, and conclusion. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence. For example: “University study is useful because it gives people key knowledge for some jobs.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. Do not use “As a result” when the result is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar. Some sentences are hard to understand, such as “When someone gains a Bachelor Degree from a university considers an advantage.” Write shorter, complete sentences.
task response
You discuss both university study and work experience, so you address both views in the question.
task response
Your opinion is present in the introduction and conclusion: both education and experience can help people get work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, including “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”, to show the move between ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: