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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Q. As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result.

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Introduction
Due to
Linking Words
 technological advancement, an increasing number of professions will disappear, overtaken by computers. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will give examples of jobs that are being replaced by modern
technologies
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, like artificial intelligence, and the consequential problems that might arise.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, before the advent of modern tools like artificial intelligence, software development was considered the field of the future. It was widely believed that knowing how to code would have
give
Wrong verb form
given
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 young
people
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 better job prospects and career opportunities. In
constrast
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contrast
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, nowadays a
raising
Correct word choice
rising
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 number of software developers
Verb problem
have
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lost their position to AI.
For example
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, recent news
shown
Wrong verb form
showed
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 that META fired many software developers in the
last
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 three years.
Body paragraph 2
In
addiction
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addition
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, modern
technologies
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 can
be applied
Correct word order
also be applied
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also
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 in the industry field, putting in danger the jobs of many.
For instance
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, with the introduction of complex machines with robotic arms, human workers are becoming more and more unnecessary, since a machine can work twice as fast and for
longer
Correct article usage
a longer
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 time. As an example, one can think of
people
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 who work in packaging, who will soon be completely replaced by modern tools.
Body paragraph 3
Lastly
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,
It
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it
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 is important to mention
people
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 who work in artistic fields,
such
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 as designers or musicians. In fact, modern
technologies
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,
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apply
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 are today able to create a product from scratch, free of charge and instantly, making human workers useless. Tools like Chat GPT are,
for instance
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, able to create a song in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 matter of minutes.
Body paragraph 4
I believe
this
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 trend will create great problems in our society.
To begin
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 with, the unemployment rate will dramatically rise, leading to consequential issues
such
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 as poverty and homelessness.
Moreover
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, social tensions will arise
,
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apply
show examples
due to
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 an increased level of discontent among
people
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.
Finally
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, the advent of modern
technologies
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, even without considering the jobs that will be replaced, will create a gap between generations, excluding older
people
Use synonyms
 from many job positions.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 I believe scientific and technological advancement to be
overall
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 beneficial for our society,
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 is undeniable that many job positions will be overtaken by computers, with consequential problems of unemployment, discontent and social
tentions
Correct your spelling
tensions
.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. You name jobs that may be lost and explain problems such as job loss, poverty, and social unrest. To improve, explain one main problem in more depth. For example, show how job loss can lead to less money, then housing problems, then stress in families.
task response
Some examples need to be more exact and safe. The point about Meta firing many software workers is not clearly linked to AI, and it may not be true. Use a clear general example instead, such as self-service checkouts replacing some cashiers.
task response
Your point about artists is too broad. Computers can help designers and musicians, but they may not make all human workers useless. Say that simple design, basic music, or first drafts may be done by AI, while people still do work that needs new ideas and human taste.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, job examples, problems, and conclusion. However, the first three body parts are quite short. Group related jobs together and give each paragraph one clear main idea with an explanation and example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. 'Firstly', 'In addition', and 'Lastly' help the reader, but do not start every paragraph in the same way. You can also use phrases such as 'This means that' and 'As a result' to show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same time focus. You move between jobs that are already changing and jobs that may change in the future. Make this clear by using 'are being replaced' for current change and 'may be replaced' for future change.
task response
You give several relevant job areas: software work, factory work, packaging, design, and music. This shows a good range of ideas.
task response
You clearly state the main social problems that may follow from computer-led job loss, including poverty, homelessness, and tension between people.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion returns to the main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have a clear focus, so the reader can follow your argument without much difficulty.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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