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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the percentage of working men and women in different areas of employment in one country in 1986, 1996 and 2006. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The table below shows the percentage of working men and women in different areas of employment in one country in 1986, 1996 and 2006. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The given table gives data on
Use synonyms
men and women employment rate
Correct word order
the employment rate of men and women
show examples
 in different fields in
1986,1996
Correct your spelling
1986, 1996,
 and 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 working in the manufacturing industry considerably decreased,
while
Linking Words
 banking
become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
 increasingly more popular.
Also
Linking Words
, the number of women in manufacturing dramatically reduced,
whereas
Linking Words
 their figure for catering remained constant in the given period. Starting from
men
Use synonyms
, the percentage of male employees in the manufacturing
idustry
Correct your spelling
industry
 almost
hazed
Wrong verb form
halved
show examples
 in 30 years, falling from 32% to 17%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the number of
men
Use synonyms
 working in banking almost doubled in the same period, starting at 11%, reaching 20% in 1996 and peaking at 21% in 2006.
While
Linking Words
 in 1986 the most common profession was
manufactoring
Correct your spelling
manufacturing
, at 32%, from 1996 more
men
Use synonyms
 started working in catering, which stands at 22% and remained the same in 2006. Turning to women, it can be seen that catering remained constant at 26%,
while
Linking Words
 the percentage of females employed in manufacturing dropped from 18% to 6%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, teaching remained the most popular job throughout the given period, starting at 33% and reaching its peak at 38%
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 in 2006.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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