IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Unemployment is a growing problem all over the world. What are the causes of this? What could be done to help tackle this issue? To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

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Introduction
The unemployment rate
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 increased significantly everywhere in the world, and there are questions about the reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 the rapid rise of not working society and how to deal with that issue in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 world. I strongly agree that nowadays we have problems with
an amount
Check wording
the number
show examples
 of people without
work
Use synonyms
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is caused by
technology
Replace the word
technological
 progress which replaces human
work
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unrealistic demands from employees.
Body paragraph 1
Modern technology is a huge benefit for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies. Because by removing
humans
Correct word choice
human
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 they can avoid unnecessary expenses for workers and the general spending,
while
Linking Words
 their effort
is staying
Wrong verb form
remains
show examples
 the same high-quality.
For instance
Linking Words
, working as a shop assistant in a physical
stores
Fix the agreement mistake
store
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 is becoming
no longer
Correct determiner usage
a less
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 relevant job, because an
employer
Punctuation problem
employer,
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 in order to hire a real
person
Punctuation problem
person,
show examples
 prefers a digital helper,
such
Linking Words
 as
AI
Correct article usage
an AI
show examples
 assistant
who
Punctuation problem
, who
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 can handle the same duties, working hours as a real worker and
don't
Correct subject-verb agreement
doesn't
show examples
 need wages, holidays and
traning
Correct your spelling
training
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 means that the owners of
business
Check wording
businesses
show examples
 are choosing cheaper alternatives now.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
big companies still want people to
work
Use synonyms
 on themselves,because of the human effectiveness that
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
now
Punctuation problem
now,
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 digital technologies can't replace, even if employers
don't
Verb problem
aren't
show examples
ready to improve quality conditions. The reason why employers usually
omit
Verb problem
fail
show examples
 to make better quality surroundings because they know about a lack of workplaces, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they
convinced
Verb problem
are convinced
show examples
 that they will always have to
work
Use synonyms
 for them.
For example
Linking Words
, China is a country with cheap
work
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, cheap goods and an enormous amount of working spots that have already
occupied
Verb problem
been occupied
show examples
 by humans, even though a lot of flaws,
such
Linking Words
 as overtime
work
Use synonyms
 and low salary.
As a result
Linking Words
, employers
prefers
Correct subject-verb agreement
prefer
show examples
 quality efforts, but not paying much for the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, an availability of unemployment is a growing issue for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society,
that it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is caused by
technology environment
Replace the word
technological
 and
humans
Correct word choice
human
show examples
 aspects.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that to reduce the
problem
Punctuation problem
problem,
show examples
 the government should pay more attention to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 absence.

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task response
Answer all parts of the question in a clear way. You explain causes, but your ideas about what can be done are very short. Add a full body paragraph about help from the state, schools, and companies.
task response
Make your view clear from the start. You agree that unemployment is a world problem, but the question also asks about causes and ways to deal with it. Keep the main focus on these two parts.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, say that new machines can take simple jobs, then explain that workers need new skills for other jobs.
task response
Use examples that clearly show unemployment. The China example talks more about low pay and long work hours than about people who cannot find work. Choose an example that matches the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, causes, ways to help, and conclusion. This will make the answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example. Do not put several different ideas in the same paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with clear words such as “First”, “Also”, “As a result”, and “However”. Make sure “On the other hand” shows a real opposite idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is unclear. Write shorter sentences with a clear subject and verb. For example: “Companies may use AI because it costs less than hiring workers.”
task response
You give two possible causes: new technology and poor work conditions. This shows that you have tried to look at the issue from more than one side.
task response
You use examples about shops, AI, and China to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For instance”, “Therefore”, “On the other hand”, and “As a result”.
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