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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In todays world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development

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Introduction
A
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
now
Verb problem
are now
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 spending a
lot
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 of money to achieve a beautiful
face
Use synonyms
 and look youthful. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will give reasons why it’s happening and the pros and cons of
this
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, in our generation now there are a
lot
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 of beauty products everywhere,
where
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 you can see
at
Change preposition
in
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 stores.
For instance
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, there is a specific product to look younger
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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endorsed
Verb problem
is endorsed
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 by some popular celebrities and influencers.
Therefore
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, a
lot
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 of
people
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, specifically women, want to achieve the perfect
face
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 of celebrities. Having youthful skin and
beautiful
Correct article usage
a beautiful
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 faces if you have these
qualities
Punctuation problem
qualities,
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 you can gain self-confidence and achieve
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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 position
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 in
corporate
Correct article usage
the corporate
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 world.
Furthermore
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, being youthful can attract a
lot
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 of
people
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 to achieve their desires and goals, sometimes it’s called the “pretty privilege”. For some, if they’re not satisfied
on
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with the
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products
Punctuation problem
products,
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 they go for surgeries to improve their physical appearance
like
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, such as the
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 nose, eyes, lips,
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, using too
much
Correct determiner usage
many
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 chemicals can result
a
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in a
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harmful effect
in
Change preposition
on
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 our skin.
For example
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, dryness,
crack
Replace the word
cracked
 skin, and red rashes.
In addition
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 to that
surgeries
Punctuation problem
, surgeries
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 have bad effects too, like removing extra tissue or blood in
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face
Correct article usage
the face
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 can damage the
face
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 permanently.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
people
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 should rely on their natural beauty and love
theirselves
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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 for being who they really are inside, not only in
outer
Correct determiner usage
their outer
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 appearance. Because even though you do surgeries and use products, if you do not accept yourself for being who you are, you will never be happy and satistied even
you
Correct word choice
if you
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 spend a
lot
Use synonyms
 of money
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 it.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Give two or three main reasons why people want to look young, then clearly say if this is mostly good or mostly bad.
task response
Your view is not fully clear. You talk about good and bad points, but the end says people should not spend much on looks. State this view in the first part and support it in the body.
task response
Develop each point more. For example, explain how ads and famous people make people feel they need young-looking skin, and explain why this can lead to too much spending.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. Instead of only saying products can harm skin, explain that some people buy many new creams without help from a doctor, which may cause skin problems.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: first body part for reasons, second body part for your view. In the second body part, give both sides only if you then show which side is stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences more direct. For example: “One main reason is the strong effect of social media and ads.” This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “Also”, “As a result”, “However”, and “For this reason”. Do not join too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
The end has a clear message, but it should also sum up the reasons from the essay before giving your final view.
task response
You give relevant reasons, such as ads, famous people, self-confidence, work, and the wish to have an easier life because of looks.
task response
You include both possible good points and risks, such as skin harm and problems from surgery.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For instance”, “Furthermore”, “On the other hand”, and “To conclude” help show the order of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Youthful appearance
  • Societal norms
  • Media influence
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Professional competition
  • Health and wellness
  • Cosmetic enhancements
  • Medical technology
  • Anti-aging products
  • Invest in appearance
  • Beauty standards
What to do next:
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