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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by ‎almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this ‎disturbing trend.

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Introduction
There is no doubt that obesity in
western
Correct article usage
the Western
show examples
 world is increasing day by day
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it causes several bad
effects
Use synonyms
 on
humans
Correct word choice
human
show examples
 life.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the
rootcauses
Correct your spelling
root causes
 of
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon and
Use synonyms
effects
Correct article usage
the effects
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 trend in the
impending
Correct word choice
ensuing
show examples
 paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with, let us delve deeper into
ths
Correct your spelling
the
 reasons behind
this
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 viewpoint.
Firstly
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,
due to
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 workholics more people tend to spend more time
in
Change preposition
at
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 work rather
then
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 kitchen
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. Thus
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thus
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,
it
Correct word choice
if
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 people do not
geeting
Correct your spelling
get
 enough time to
do cooking
Wrong verb form
cook
show examples
 at home
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
hence
Linking Words
,their
children
Use synonyms
 do not
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 fresh
foods
Check wording
food
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 at home
so
Correct word choice
, and
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 they
left
Verb problem
are left
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 with no option
to
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but to
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 eat outside
food
Use synonyms
 or
ready to cook
Correct your spelling
ready-to-cook
 meals.
Secondly
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, delivery partners like
skip
Capitalize the proper name
Skip
show examples
 and
uber eats
Capitalize the proper name
Uber Eats
show examples
 promote their
food
Use synonyms
 in large scale advertisement on social media in the
forms
Check wording
form
show examples
 of
reals
Correct your spelling
reels
 and
videos
Punctuation problem
videos,
show examples
hence
Linking Words
 it attracts the
children
Use synonyms
 to eat junk
food
Use synonyms
 and preservative
food
Use synonyms
 as these foods
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
show examples
 less
protien
Correct your spelling
protein
 and
high
Verb problem
are high
show examples
 in
un saturated
Correct your spelling
unsaturated
 fat.
A
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Research conducted by
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of British Columbia
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 Vancouver
in
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 Canada year 2020 on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 group of 100
children
Use synonyms
 revealed that
due to
Linking Words
 promotions of influencers and Star people advertisement more
children
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 tend to choose fast
food
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 as campare to healthy
food
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 .
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, let us examine the
effects
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
 rising trend .
First,
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Fast
food
Use synonyms
 contains less
vitamin
Check wording
vitamins
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 and
calcium
Punctuation problem
calcium,
show examples
hence
Linking Words
 it
Use synonyms
effects
Use the right word
affects
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
children well being
Check wording
children's well-being
show examples
 and
physically
Replace the word
physical health,
 as
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 shelf life
is
Change preposition
of these foods is
show examples
 increasing
due to
Linking Words
adding
Replace the word
the addition of
 some bad ingredients and
nutrition
Check wording
nutrients
show examples
. Adding more, these kinds of
food
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comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
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 in plastic package as
due to
Linking Words
rise
Correct article usage
the rise
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 of more online
food
Use synonyms
Punctuation problem
. This
show examples
this
Linking Words
 plastic waste
degrade
Correct subject-verb agreement
degrades
show examples
 the natural
environment
Punctuation problem
environment,
show examples
 as most of
this
Linking Words
 plastic
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 for packaging
food
Use synonyms
 is
non recylce
Correct your spelling
non-recyclable
 and
non bio degradable
Correct your spelling
non-biodegradable
.
Consquently
Correct your spelling
Consequently
, it
Use synonyms
effects
Use the right word
affects
show examples
 the nature and rise green house gases into the sky.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least,
children
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 spend their parents hard earned money
while
Linking Words
 ordering these foods and eating because fast
food
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 comes with
expensive
Correct word choice
a high
show examples
 price in the market.
Conclusion
To
recaptulate
Verb problem
recap
show examples
, it can be summed up
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of time in
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 work style
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
, children
show examples
 tend to eat junk
food
Use synonyms
 and
moreover
Linking Words
,
influence
Wrong verb form
are influenced
show examples
 by social media to eat more
perservatives
Correct your spelling
processed
food
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Give clear causes of child weight gain, such as too much fast food, little exercise, and too much screen time. Then give clear effects on children, such as poor health, low self-esteem, and later health problems.
task response
Keep each main point close to the question. The parts about plastic waste and parents’ money are not the main effects of children being overweight. Replace them with effects on the child’s body, mind, school life, and future.
task response
Explain each idea fully. For example, say why busy parents may buy ready-made meals, why these meals can cause weight gain, and how weight gain can affect a child’s health.
task response
Use examples with care. The study example sounds very exact, but it is not explained enough. A simple general example may work better unless you can give clear and true details.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, causes, effects, and conclusion. Your essay has this basic shape, but the ideas in the effects paragraph need to stay on one main line.
coherence and cohesion
Make one main idea for each paragraph. In the causes paragraph, focus on home food and ads. In the effects paragraph, focus on health and emotional problems. Do not add new, less related ideas at the end.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple, correct words such as “because”, “as a result”, “for example”, and “therefore”. Avoid long sentences with many links, as they become hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check word order and sentence form so the links are clear. For example, write: “Because parents work long hours, they may have less time to cook healthy meals at home.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion short and complete. Restate the key causes and key effects, rather than only repeating the causes.
task response
You address both causes and effects, and you give more than one idea for each part.
task response
You try to support your points with an example about food ads and children’s choices.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can see your overall plan.
coherence and cohesion
You use signposting words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “Furthermore” to show the order of your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • advancements in technology
  • physical activities
  • availability
  • popularity
  • fast food
  • high-calorie
  • marketed aggressively
  • preferred choice
  • lack of awareness
  • education
  • healthy eating habits
  • nutritional values
  • dietary choices
  • physical
  • psychological
  • risk
  • developing
  • serious health problems
  • diabetes
  • high blood pressure
  • heart disease
  • bullying
  • social isolation
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • long-term impact
  • quality of life
  • personal and professional life
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