IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Accomodation and transport problems are increasing in many large cities. Businesses are encouraged to move to rural areas . Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages ?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Accommodation and transportation issues are growing in many
areas
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 has been suggested that businesses should move to rural
areas
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
From my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
show examples
 I believe that businesses should relocate to rural
areas
Use synonyms
 for multiple reasons. I think that these establishments are one of the leading causes of difficulty in finding places to live, since corporate buildings have taken over a huge portion of main cities. There is
also
Linking Words
 the fact that companies are making
traffic
Use synonyms
 more crowded than it
could
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be without their employees.
Body paragraph 2
To start with,
over crowding
Correct your spelling
overcrowding
 in cities is a real and vital problem that the world is currently facing
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 To solve
this
Linking Words
problem
Punctuation problem
problem,
show examples
 we could encourage establishments to move to different, less populated
areas
Use synonyms
 to make space for civilian houses, schools, hospitals, and more important buildings that serve the community.
Body paragraph 3
Another major issue we are facing because of businesses is
traffic
Use synonyms
. We seem to notice in our daily lives that employees tend to make up a majority of
traffic
Use synonyms
 jams
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be partly solved if Establishments move to rural
areas
Use synonyms
, because a lot of employees tend to go to work at the same time,
then
Linking Words
 come back from work at the same time
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 leads to
traffic
Use synonyms
 jams. That
effects
Use the right word
affects
show examples
 locals of the city negatively because it makes it hard to commute from one place to another. There is
also
Linking Words
 the fact that
this
Linking Words
 problem causes pollution
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 inturn effects the environment.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I
definetely
Correct your spelling
definitely
 agree with
this
Linking Words
 argument, encouraging companies to relocate to smaller cities is a great way to solve accommodation and transportation problems.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both sides of the question. You explain why moving businesses out of cities can help, but you do not discuss the possible bad sides. Add a clear paragraph about problems such as fewer jobs in city areas, long travel for workers, or weak roads and services in rural places.
task response
Make your main answer clearer from the start. Say that the good points are greater than the bad points, then show why after looking at both sides.
task response
Give one or two real examples. For example, explain how an office area could be changed into homes, or how moving a factory may affect a small town. This will make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body paragraphs, and an ending. To make it easier to follow, use one paragraph for the good points and one paragraph for the bad points before your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Do not repeat “There is also the fact” and “because” many times. Use simple links such as “As a result,” “For this reason,” “However,” and “On the other hand.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea. In the traffic paragraph, first explain rush-hour travel, then explain the result for local people, and finally explain air pollution.
task response
You stay on the main topic of housing and traffic in large cities.
task response
Your points about more space for homes and less rush-hour traffic are clear and useful.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening and a clear final statement of your view.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful paragraph starters such as “To start with” and “Another major issue.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: