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Band 4.5

Some educationalists argue that non-exam, arts-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In recent
years
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years,
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 there has been
growing
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a growing
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 debate among educators on whether
subjects
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 without
attaintments
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attachments
,
such
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 as music, drama or art and craft, should be mandatory in secondary schools. Some teachers agree with the previous statement, as they believe that
such
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 activities can be beneficial for
students
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' academic achievement.
In contrast
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, I would argue that
subjects
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 that do not require formal examination should be elective, because not essential to pupils' education.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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,
while
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 it is true that arts-based
subjects
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 can have a positive impact on
students
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' creativity and well-being, it is important to recognise that many children may not have any interest in these
subjects
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.
For instance
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, some pupils would rather focus on core scientific
courses
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,
such
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 as math, physics or science. Even though
,
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the opposite could also
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also
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 the opposite could be argued (children not interested in scientific
courses
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), one must consider that good
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attainment
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 in core
subjects
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are
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is
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 essential for academic achievement, and
therefore
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, for pupils' academic advancement to
further
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 or higher education.
By contrast
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, artistic
subjects
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 are not essential for
students
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' curriculum.
Body paragraph 2
Another important consideration is that mandatory presence to arts
courses
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 will result in decreased time spent studying other
subjects
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.
This
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 could be detrimental to
students
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'
overall
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performace
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performance
, as their academic results depend on formal examinations and course assessments.
For example
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, if music class is held in the afternoon, and it
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last
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lasts
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 two hours, these two hours can not be spent studying for tests or doing research.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 following arts-based
subjects
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 can have some advantages, I believe that these
courses
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 should not be mandatory.
Students
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 should focus on core
subjects
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 with
attaintments
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attainments
, which are
esential
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essential
 for
accademic
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academic
 achievement, and
therefore
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 important to have better job prospects and career opportunities.

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task response
Your view is clear: art subjects should be a choice, not a must. However, explain more fully why art can help school work before you disagree with this idea. This will make your answer more fair and complete.
task response
Your main ideas need more support. For example, do not only say that science is important for later study. Explain why all students still need some time for art, or why they do not.
task response
The example about a two-hour music class is clear, but it is too simple. Add a more real school example, such as a student who has less time for math work because of a fixed art class.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between each idea smoother.
coherence and cohesion
In the first body part, the sentence about children who do not like science is in brackets and breaks the flow. Put this idea in a full sentence, or leave it out.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words carefully. “Firstly”, “For instance”, “By contrast”, and “In conclusion” work well. Do not use “Even though” before a full idea unless you finish the contrast clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “academic achievement” many times. Use simple other words, such as “school results”, “study”, or “doing well at school”.
task response
You answer the question directly and give the same clear view from the start to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Each main body part has one main point: student interest and lack of study time. This makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The ending clearly repeats your main view and gives a reason for it.
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