IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Government in many countries are urgently seeking ways to reduce employment in rular areas. what are the most effective ways to do this? which measure do you think would be the single most effective step that government could take?

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Introduction
In
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 era, federal and provincial authorities are promptly putting their efforts to reduce the unemployment in outback
areas
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will try to elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 pragmatic solutions
along with
Linking Words
 examples in subsequent paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, rural
areas
Use synonyms
 of a country often primarily
depends
Correct subject-verb agreement
depend
show examples
 on farming
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 includes cultivation of crops, harvest and
then
Linking Words
sale
Replace the word
selling
 the product to the local market. The government must lead a path to enhance
agriculture
Correct article usage
the agriculture
show examples
 industry, which includes
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
not
Verb problem
is not
show examples
 limited to use of
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 technology
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will
consequently
Linking Words
 increase
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
 growth of concerning people.
Secondly
Linking Words
, dairy farming is
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 occupation which mostly villagers adopt
, policy makers
Punctuation problem
; policymakers
show examples
 must include development plans for the same in their endowments.
For instance
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Pakistan ruling party
Correct word order
ruling party in Pakistan
show examples
 has recently introduced a discount card for the purchase of farming related product.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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,
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 effective way to reduce
employment
Check wording
unemployment
show examples
 in rural
areas
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is to improve infrastructure extensively. Policy makers should not leave any stone
untuned
Use the right word
unturned
show examples
 to improve
lifestyle
Correct article usage
the lifestyle
show examples
 of villagers by providing proper health care facilities, educational institutes and connectivity.
Such
Linking Words
 practical steps will significantly improve both
day-to-day
Correct article usage
the day-to-day
show examples
 and professional
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 outback
areas
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 financial restraints often
slowdown
Replace the word
slow down
 the process.
However
Linking Words
, small but
continue
Replace the word
continuous
 steps from authorities can make
substantial
Correct article usage
a substantial
show examples
 impact. To exemplify,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 of
UAE
Correct article usage
the UAE
show examples
 has
establish
Wrong verb form
established
show examples
 proper infrastructure in rural
areas
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
consequently
Linking Words
 has improved
happiness
Correct article usage
the happiness
show examples
 factor among the
residence
Check wording
residents
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, authorities must pay more attention to boost the
villages
Check wording
village's
show examples
 economy
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 by supporting local businesses,
at
Correct word choice
and at
show examples
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 time put all effort to upgrade facilities in outback
areas
Use synonyms
. Considering
if
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 people from these
areas
Use synonyms
 shift to city centers that will possess more demerits.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. Give several ways to cut rural unemployment, then clearly say why better roads, schools, health care, power, and internet are the one best step.
task response
Be careful with the main idea. The question asks to reduce unemployment, but parts of the essay say “reduce employment.” Use “create jobs” or “reduce unemployment” throughout.
task response
Explain how each plan creates work. For example, farm support can raise farm income, dairy plans can create work in milk collection and sale, and better roads can help small firms reach city markets.
task response
Make the examples more clear and fully linked to the point. The Pakistan card example needs to show how lower farm costs lead to more jobs. The UAE example needs to show how new services or firms gave local people work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each body part begin with one clear main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use links more carefully. “Moreover” is fine for a new point, but “Although” and “However” are not used in a clear way here. State the money problem first, then give the answer in the next sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the focus of the second body part on jobs. Health care and schools improve life, but explain that they also bring jobs and help firms move to rural places.
coherence and cohesion
The last line adds a new idea about people moving to cities. Either explain this point in a body paragraph or remove it from the end.
task response
You give useful ideas, such as farm support, dairy work, local business help, and better public services.
task response
You choose one main step: better rural infrastructure. This is a good choice for the second part of the question.
coherence and cohesion
The order is easy to follow: opening, farm and dairy ideas, infrastructure, then a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some examples from Pakistan and the UAE to support your points.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural unemployment
  • job creation
  • local employment opportunities
  • small and medium-sized businesses
  • low-interest loans
  • tax incentives
  • business start-up support
  • transport infrastructure
  • reliable internet access
  • vocational training
  • practical skills
  • modernise agriculture
  • food-processing industry
  • agricultural services
  • rural tourism
  • public works projects
  • attract private investment
  • reduce urban migration
  • long-term economic growth
  • sustainable livelihoods
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