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Band 3.5

Today many things in the home are done by machines. In the past these things were all done by hand. Give the advantages and disadvantages of this development

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Introduction
Nowadays, major chores in the home are done by specific
equipment
Use synonyms
. In the past
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 used to do all of these things by themselves. Surely,
this
Linking Words
 development has both advantages,
such
Linking Words
 as more time for relaxing and other interests, and disadvantages,
such
Linking Words
 as overconsumption that results in ecological catastrophes .
Body paragraph 1
Working
people
Use synonyms
 do not tend to clean the house and cook
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dinner for the family after
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 day of
hardworking
Replace the word
hard work
. In
this
Linking Words
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 using specific
equipment
Use synonyms
 as a robot cleaner and thermomix is the perfect solution for solving
this
Linking Words
 issue. 
For example
Linking Words
, recent research
disscovered
Correct your spelling
discovered
 that
people
Use synonyms
 who use machinery
appropriatelly
Correct your spelling
appropriately
 tend to
to go
Unsplit the infinitive
go to
show examples
 the gym
oftenly
Rephrase
more often
show examples
 than those who
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not.
As a result
Linking Words
, using specific machinery for chores leads to higher life satisfaction and
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
 life.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, there are some drawbacks, because
people
Use synonyms
 tend to buy machines that they do not need.
Equipment
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 bought to make life easier
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
in the reason of
Change preposition
due to their
show examples
 rare
use
Add a comma
use,
show examples
 they usually
go to
Verb problem
end up in
show examples
 the trash.
This
Linking Words
 leads to serious waste
in
Change preposition
from an
show examples
 ecological perspective, because there are some batteries and other toxic products that can fall apart
during
Change preposition
for
show examples
 hundreds of years.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 more and more
equipment
Use synonyms
 that were trown away leads to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ecological disadvantages.
Conclusion
In summary, there are certain pros and cons of developing machines to do the home chores
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 in the past
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 used to do them by hand.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question and give one good point for each side. To make your ideas stronger, explain more fully how home machines save time and why this time matters for family life, rest, or health.
task response
Your example about gym visits is not fully clear. Say who did the research, or use a more direct example from daily life. Do not make a research claim if you cannot explain it well.
task response
Develop the bad side in a more exact way. For example, say that people may buy many new machines, use them only a few times, and then throw them away. Explain how this creates more waste.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, good side, bad side, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the ending state your own final view, not only repeat that there are good and bad sides.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “One main advantage is…”, “For this reason…”, “On the other hand…”, and “This can lead to…”. This will help the reader follow each step.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not link well because the meaning is not clear, such as the sentence about toxic parts lasting for hundreds of years. Write one short idea at a time: batteries and other parts can harm the land if they are thrown away.
task response
You deal with both advantages and disadvantages, and your points stay on the topic of home machines.
task response
The idea that machines can give busy people more free time is clear and useful.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one main focus, so the reader can see the good side and the bad side easily.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “For example”, “However”, and “As a result”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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