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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

According to those in travel business, the nature of every native holiday in changing. Rather than have a relaxing break, people want to challenge themselves to do adventure on their holidays. Do you agree or disagree ?

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Introduction
People
Use synonyms
 involved in
tourism
Correct article usage
the tourism
show examples
 industry are changing their view about the type of enjoyment, the tourists were
doing
Verb problem
having
show examples
 in the past. These days, the
people
Use synonyms
 on their
holidays
Use synonyms
tends
Correct subject-verb agreement
tend
show examples
 to be more adventurous, as compared to the old times. I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and will elaborate on my views in the upcoming essay.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in past,
people
Use synonyms
 would take
break
Correct article usage
a break
show examples
 from their work, so that they
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 go to a place
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 where they
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 spend some leisure time. These places were generally away from their dwelling locations, and selection was based upon the type of activities
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they would love to do at that place.
For instance
Linking Words
, many folks considered warm beaches
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they were originally from the cold regions. They would ride some waves or just enjoy the sunlight.
This
Linking Words
 trend was very
famous
Correct word choice
popular
show examples
 during
Christmas
Correct article usage
the Christmas
show examples
holidays
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
 time, they try to push their physical limits
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 during the
holidays
Use synonyms
. They try to be more expandable.
Body paragraph 2
Moving
further
Linking Words
, the current generation wants more
thrill
Check wording
thrills
show examples
 during the break, rather than taking rest.
This
Linking Words
 emotion of amusement
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 kicks adrenaline, and they feel thrilled. They try to get involved in the activities
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that require more physical and mental strength.
For example
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 like cliff climbing, as it is more
physicaly
Correct your spelling
physically
 challenging. It requires more output from the body
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 than
required
Verb problem
is required
show examples
 for daily work routines.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they want to create
unforgetable
Correct word choice
unforgettable
show examples
 memories lasting for
whole
Correct article usage
a whole
show examples
 lifetime.
Linking Words
Then
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
 current technology has created homes more restful, as compared to history. These days,
interior
Correct article usage
the interior
show examples
 conditions of a home are almost opposite than outside.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 take rest at their houses, and
Use synonyms
holidays
Verb problem
take holidays
show examples
 to do adventures.
Hence
Linking Words
, the
destiantions
Correct your spelling
destinations
 for tourism have changed.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
People
Use synonyms
 have
holidays
Use synonyms
 to create memories,and they choose these locations
according to
Linking Words
 their wishes.

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task response
Give a clearer answer in the first part. Say that you agree, but note that not all people want hard or risky trips. This will make your view more exact.
task response
Explain each main point more fully. For example, say why people now want adventure: they want new feelings, social media photos, or a break from daily life.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. The beach and cliff climbing examples are useful, but add a short result, such as how these trips make people feel or what they gain.
task response
Some ideas are not clear enough. For example, “more expandable” does not fit here. Use “more active” or “more willing to try new things” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. However, the first body part moves from old holidays to new holidays too fast. Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a more natural way: “In the past”, “Today”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “However”. Do not begin many sentences with “They try”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph stronger. Repeat your main view and sum up the two reasons, instead of only saying that people choose places based on their wishes.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence form and word choice, as these sometimes make the meaning hard to follow. For example, write “people tend to be more adventurous” and “physical limits”.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly show that you agree with the main idea.
task response
You include relevant travel examples, such as beach holidays and cliff climbing.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape: an opening, two main paragraphs, and a closing.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, including “To begin with”, “For instance”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion”.
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