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Band 4

Some people believe that salary is the most important thing in a job. Others say the job itself is most important. What do you think is the most important aspect of a job? Include specific details and examples to support your choice.

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Introduction
The issue of whether the
salary
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 is the most important thing in a job or the
Use synonyms
jop
Correct your spelling
job
 itself has sparked
cosiderable
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considerable
 debate in recent years.Some
peolple
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people
 believe that
salary
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 is important ,
while
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 others argue that the
Use synonyms
jop
Correct your spelling
job
 is more essential than
salary
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.
This
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 essay will examine both
perspective
Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
show examples
 before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that the
Use synonyms
jop
Correct your spelling
job
 itself is essential.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate
for
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that
show examples
 the
salary
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 is more important than the
Use synonyms
jop
Correct your spelling
job
 itself argue that many
jops
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jobs
 are exhausting and
has
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have
show examples
 a very low
salary
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 .
For instance
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,if a man works 12 hours and have low
salary
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,he might feel disappointed because he is tired and his
salary
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 does nothing.
Furthermore
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,many people have large
family
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families
show examples
 so they cannot
offerd
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offer
 their food or house rent .
For example
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,if a man works on
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jop which is far distance
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a job that is far
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 from his home,and the rent
house
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apply
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is expensive ,he cannot
a
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apply
show examples
afford the money for the rent because
the
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apply
show examples
petrol is high.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,those who hold the belief that the
Use synonyms
jop
Correct your spelling
job
 is more important than the
salary
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 emphasise that many
jops
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jobs
 are not suitable for women .
For example
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,if a girl gets a
Use synonyms
jop
Correct your spelling
job
 at
company
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a company
show examples
all
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, all
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 thier employees males ,she might feel
unconfortable
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uncomfortable
.
In addition
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,many
jops
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jobs
 have strict managers .
For instance
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,if a man
work
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
show examples
 at
university
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a university
show examples
 and the manager
have
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has
show examples
 severe rules,conflict or
proplems
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problems
 may occur.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides ,I firmly believe that the
Use synonyms
jop
Correct your spelling
job
 itself
more
Verb problem
is more
show examples
 important
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then
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than
show examples
 the
salary
Use synonyms
.The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that people should feel confortable on their jobs.

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task response
Give a clear answer from the start. Say what matters most in a job, such as work that is safe, fair, and right for the worker, and keep this same idea in every part.
task response
Explain why the job itself is more important. Your second main part talks about women and strict managers, but it does not fully show why this is more important than pay.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. For example, a person may get high pay but leave because the work is unsafe, causes stress, or gives no time for family.
task response
Make your ideas more full. Explain what a good job means: safe work, kind people, fair rules, useful work, and time for home life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each part begin with one strong main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link each example to its main point. After an example, add a short line such as: 'This shows that high pay cannot make a bad job good.'
coherence and cohesion
Avoid ideas that do not fit the topic well. The point about jobs not being suitable for women is too broad. Focus on work place safety, fair treatment, and comfort for all people.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words carefully: 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'For example', and 'Therefore'. Do not put many ideas in one long sentence.
task response
You answer both views and clearly state your own view that the job itself matters more.
task response
You try to use real life examples about long hours, rent, travel, and work place problems.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: an opening, two main parts, and a final answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful link words such as 'On one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For instance', and 'To sum up'.
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