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Writing Samples
Band 5

34.Some countries now have people from different cultures and ethnic groups. What is the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a substantial proportion of
countries
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 have foreign people from various nations.
This
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 trend is mainly driven by immigrants owing to fewer opportunities in their original
country
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, and I believe it is a largely positive development because most of the residents can contribute to increasing the economic profits.
Body paragraph 1
Initially
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, there are several reasons for
countries
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 to have a large number of
populations
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people
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 who come from other states. One of the main reasons is that a fewer chances for these people in their real
country
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 and find that they will have a bitter life in a new
country
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.
For instance
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, if someone is born in a
low income
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low-income
country
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,
he
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they
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 might not be able to find advanced education and interesting jobs.
As a result
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, he will start thinking about moving to a
country
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 that can guarantee a perfect life for him.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, I think these individuals have a positive influence on the
country
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 that they move to
living
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, living
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 in it since these
countries
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 receive more money and can increase their financial budget.
This
Linking Words
 is because a high percentage of residents need to pay more for taxes and accommodation.
For example
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, recent research has shown that a substantial amount of the
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countries
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country's
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 money and other profits come from visitors and foreign individuals. With
this
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 approach, these
countries
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 are able to grow faster and
also
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 develop their facilities considerably.
Conclusion
In conclusion, fundamental needs and future opportunities for each individual play an essential role in immigration.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 change has a lot of benefits for the
countries
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 that immigrants go to spend their life inside.
Therefore
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, the more residents live in the
country
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, the greater the positive impact on the
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country
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country's
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 revenues.

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task response
You answer both parts: you give a reason for people to move, and you say this change is mostly good. However, explain the reasons more fully. People may move for work, study, safety, family, or a better life.
task response
Your main good point is about more tax money. This is useful, but it is too narrow. Add other good effects, such as new skills, new businesses, and more culture in daily life.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims. More people do not always mean more money for a country. They may also need homes, schools, health care, and jobs. You can say that the good points are greater when the state plans well.
task response
Your examples are too general. Give one clear example, such as a nurse or worker moving to fill jobs that local people do not want or cannot fill.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: opening, reason, good effect, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the first body paragraph clearer by using one main idea and a direct explanation.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. For example, write: 'One main reason is that people have fewer chances in their home country.' Then explain what these chances are.
coherence and cohesion
Use links in a more exact way. 'For example' should lead to a real example, not a general statement. Use 'As a result' only when the next idea is a clear result of the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as 'country', 'people', and 'money' many times. You can use 'host nation', 'migrants', 'workers', 'tax income', or 'public funds' when the meaning is clear.
task response
You clearly state your view in the opening and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
You give a relevant reason for movement: people may leave places with poor work and study chances.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has a main focus, and the ending returns to the main topic.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'Initially', 'In addition', 'For instance', and 'In conclusion'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural diversity
  • ethnic groups
  • multicultural society
  • immigration
  • international migration
  • seek better opportunities
  • improve living standards
  • political instability
  • refugees and asylum seekers
  • globalisation
  • a diverse workforce
  • labour shortages
  • economic growth
  • cultural exchange
  • broaden people’s horizons
  • promote mutual understanding
  • social integration
  • language barriers
  • racial discrimination
  • social cohesion
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