IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic 2: These days many families move to other countries for work. Some people believe that the children in these families benefit from this move. However, others believe that it makes life more difficult for the children. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

5.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Families
Use synonyms
 migrating to
countries
Use synonyms
 where work opportunities are a lot is increasingly common in recent days.
While
Linking Words
 some people think that
this
Linking Words
 may benefit
children
Use synonyms
, others believe that
this
Linking Words
 may adversely affects
life
Use synonyms
 of the
children
Use synonyms
. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 influence totally depends on the
country
Use synonyms
,
that is
Linking Words
, the
country
Use synonyms
 where the
education
Use synonyms
 system is well established and the
country
Use synonyms
 where the majority of people are uneducated
Linking Words
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 contrast.
Body paragraph 1
Families
Use synonyms
which is
Correct subject-verb agreement
that are
show examples
 relocating to developed
countries
Use synonyms
 will eventually bring positive effects on
life
Use synonyms
 of their
children
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 taking elementary and high school courses within a
country
Use synonyms
 where the
education
Use synonyms
 system is well established will be more properly prepared to make their future job dream happen. It is widely known that
children
Use synonyms
 living in European
countries
Use synonyms
 start off their career in their early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 a proper
education
Use synonyms
 system , and they enhance and develop their social skills alongside via social events
such
Linking Words
 as art, music, and voluntary acts.
Body paragraph 2
In contrast
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 whose
families
Use synonyms
 are moving to underdeveloped
countries
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 work opportunities only show late development in social skills and late preparation for
life
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of
education
Use synonyms
 they are receiving.
Children
Use synonyms
 spend most of their time in school every day;
therefore
Linking Words
, it is significant to receive proper
education
Use synonyms
 to become more prepared for the
life
Use synonyms
 that awaits them ,
otherwise
Linking Words
 their
life
Use synonyms
 will be much more difficult.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
families
Use synonyms
 relocating to other
countries
Use synonyms
 may bring benefits or drawback on their
children
Use synonyms
's liveslife and it totally depends on which
country
Use synonyms
 is migrated to.
While
Linking Words
 developed
countries
Use synonyms
 enhance and ease
Use synonyms
life of the
Correct word order
the lives of
show examples
children
Use synonyms
, underdeveloped
countries
Use synonyms
 make
children
Use synonyms
's
liveslife
Correct your spelling
lives
 more difficult.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. However, the main idea is too simple: good schools in rich countries help children, while poor schools in less rich countries harm them. Add other key points, such as new language problems, missing friends and family, safety, and more work chances for parents.
task response
Make your own view more exact. Say that the move can help children when parents choose a place with good schools, support at home, and help for the new language. This is clearer than saying it only depends on the country.
task response
Your example about schools, art, music, and voluntary work is useful, but it is very general. Give one clear example of how a child can get help at school, make friends, or learn a new skill.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion. Keep this order, but make the two body paragraphs more alike. Start each one with a direct main point, then explain it, give an example, and link it back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example, use 'On the one hand' for the first view and 'On the other hand' for the second view. In the last paragraph, use 'Overall' before your final opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences are hard to follow. Split them into shorter sentences. Also avoid repeating 'life of the children' and 'proper education' many times; use 'children’s lives', 'their future', or 'good schooling' instead.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show the possible good and bad sides, and you state your own view in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphing is clear. Each main paragraph stays on one side of the discussion, and the conclusion brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words such as 'For instance', 'In contrast', 'therefore', and 'To conclude' to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Migration
  • Globalization
  • Opportunities
  • Diversity
  • Assimilation
  • Adaptability
  • Language acquisition
  • Education
  • Career prospects
  • Social connections
  • Isolation
  • Cultural identity
  • Support systems
  • Parental guidance
  • Ambiguous
What to do next:
Look at other essays: