IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

mployers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these vies and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
People
Use synonyms
who's
Correct subject-verb agreement
who are
show examples
 applying for work can sometimes get asked from mployers about their personal
information
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Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as being married or single. Some
people
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 think that
this
Linking Words
 is not useful and irrelevant because these
questions
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 are considered private
one's
Check wording
ones
show examples
. I strongly agree with those who
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
show examples
 that personal
information
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 could be useful because it can give the nature of the
person
Use synonyms
who's acquiring
Verb problem
who is applying
show examples
 for the job.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, personal
questions
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 are considered private
information
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.
In other words
Linking Words
, the
person
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 who's applying for the job may feel that
this
Linking Words
 is irrelevant
information
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 and the
person
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 who's asking these
questions
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 is being out of line.
For example
Linking Words
, getting asked about being married or not may
let
Verb problem
make
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 the other
person
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feels
Wrong verb form
feel
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 sad because maybe he or she got divorced in a harmful way.
As a result
Linking Words
, these
questions
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 can hurt
people
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,
Correct word order
; also,
show examples
also
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 is considered
being
Wrong verb form
to be
show examples
 out of line.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that these types of
questions
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 can tell the nature of the
person
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 who's applying for the job. Getting asked about the
person
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's hobbies can
lead
Verb problem
help
show examples
 the company
to know
Verb problem
determine
show examples
 if
this
Linking Words
person
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 can handle
stresses
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stress
show examples
 or
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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if he or she
know
Correct subject-verb agreement
knows
show examples
 how to manage circumstances.
For instance
Linking Words
, maybe the
candidate
Check wording
candidate's
show examples
 favourite hobby is reading and calculating the numbers in companies reports.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the manager would know that
this
Linking Words
person
Use synonyms
 is knowledgeable and can manage circumstances because of his previous knowledge.
Conclusion
In conclusion, some
people
Use synonyms
 think that personal
information
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not important when it
is come
Wrong verb form
comes
show examples
 to applying for work because they consider that these
questions
Use synonyms
 are considered
privacy
Replace the word
private
.
However
Linking Words
, I strongly agree with
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 say these
questions
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 are useful because
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 can tell what type of candidates
are the companies
Correct word order
the companies are
show examples
 looking for.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. However, make your view more clear: say which personal details are useful and which should stay private.
task response
Your main idea needs more support. Hobbies may show skills, but being married or single does not always show if a person can do a job well. Explain this with a clear reason.
task response
Use a more real example. For example, a person who likes team sports may work well with others, while family status should not be used to choose workers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Make the link between ideas clearer by using words such as "However", "Also", "For this reason", and "In contrast" in the right places.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each paragraph. In the first body part, focus on why some questions can feel too personal. In the second, focus on when hobbies can help an employer.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times, such as "private" and "out of line". Say the point once, then add a reason or example.
task response
You answer all parts of the question by showing both views and giving your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it uses clear paragraph breaks and an ending that returns to your main view.
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