IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, more and more people are choosing to buy goods online rather than in traditional physical stores. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

5.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In
this
Linking Words
 modern era, in many nations, many people prefer to purchase their
products
Use synonyms
 online rather than in physical stores.
While
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend can tremendously increase the
unemployment
Use synonyms
 ratio in the nation, I believe the advantages are more significant. Consumers have more options for the
product
Use synonyms
, and prices of the
products
Use synonyms
 will be lower
due to
Linking Words
 more competition in the market.
This
Linking Words
 essay will argue that the advantages of online shopping , by ignoring physical stores , ultimately outweigh the drawbacks.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, with online shopping , the
unemployment
Use synonyms
 ratio of the country will increase
due to
Linking Words
 less demand for physical stores. To illustrate, people will not go shopping and spend money in
outlets
Use synonyms
, which requires shop owners to reduce their employees.
This
Linking Words
 implication by all store managers will bring the
unemployment
Use synonyms
 crisis in the nation.
For example
Linking Words
, in the COVID-19 pandemic, Nike, one of the most famous brands in the world, laid off 2000 employees because at that time, people were isolated and no one was going to
outlets
Use synonyms
 for shopping.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, e-shopping will give more options to
buyers
Use synonyms
 in the
product
Use synonyms
 because
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 internet shopping, there are a number of employees who list their
products
Use synonyms
 online, and
this
Linking Words
 will give
buyers
Use synonyms
 more choices in the
product
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, customers will select only that
product
Use synonyms
 which has a good price and good quality.
In addition
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 a lot of competition in the online market, seller give mostly big discounts and make their
product
Use synonyms
 cheaper than traditional shops.
For Instance
Linking Words
, AMAZON always give 30% off on
products
Use synonyms
 compared to physical
outlets
Use synonyms
, by which customers get a good deal for the
product
Use synonyms
 at a genuine price.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
unemployment
Use synonyms
 will skyrocket with internet shopping in the country by reducing staff in
outlets
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
online
buyers
Use synonyms
 will have more options in the
product
Use synonyms
 and
give
Wrong verb form
will be given
show examples
 better deals to customers to sell their
products
Use synonyms
. Ultimately, these profound benefits for
buyers
Use synonyms
 are far more significant than the
unemployment
Use synonyms
 crisis.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a clearer reason why the good points are greater than the bad point. You say there are more choices and lower prices, but explain more fully how these help many people in daily life.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims. Online shopping may cause some job loss in shops, but it can also create jobs in delivery, online sales, and packing. Show this side to make your answer more fair.
task response
Use examples that are clearly true and fully explained. The Nike and Amazon examples are useful, but the exact numbers and price cut may not be sure. A general example can be safer.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. To make the flow better, state your main view in one short sentence at the end of the first paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main paragraph focused on one idea. In the second main paragraph, split the ideas into more choice and lower prices, and explain each one before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words in a more natural way. Do not repeat "product" and "online shopping" too often. You can use "goods", "items", "buyers", "this trend", and "these sites".
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter and clearer. Restate your view directly: the lower cost and wider choice for many buyers are more important than the job loss in some shops.
task response
You answer the main question and clearly say that the good points are greater than the bad points.
task response
You give relevant main ideas: job loss in shops, more choice for buyers, and lower prices.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it uses a clear two-side plan with "On the one hand" and "On the other hand".
coherence and cohesion
You include both an opening paragraph and a final paragraph, and your final paragraph gives your overall view.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: