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Band 5

Men and women employed in full-time jobs should share the responsibilities of household chores. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, an increasing number of
women
Use synonyms
 are becoming independent
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they are doing full-time jobs as men do. Some people reckon that
both
Use synonyms
 males and females should share the responsibilities of the housework
,
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apply
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 when they
both
Use synonyms
 hold
a
Correct article usage
apply
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full-time
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
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. I agree to
this
Linking Words
 statement to a large extent
and
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, and
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 I will discuss several reasons in the forthcoming paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with, dividing responsibilities among husband and wife helps to reduce the workload on
women
Use synonyms
. In Indian societies, there is a stigma that most of the
women
Use synonyms
 are responsible for doing most of the household chores, and men will serve as the income source for the family.
However
Linking Words
, with the increase in literacy level of
women
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, they are
also
Linking Words
 securing full-time
employments
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employment
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.
Hence
Linking Words
, the fair division of domestic work among
both
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 genders contributes to reducing
burden
Correct article usage
the burden
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over
Change preposition
on
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 females and
also
Linking Words
 helps to break the stigma that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
holds
Wrong verb form
has held
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 for a long time.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, when a couple do their domestic work collaboratively,
Linking Words
then
Rephrase
apply
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it gives a positive message to their children.
For instance
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, when kids grow up seeing their parents
are
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apply
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performing tasks cooperatively and helping each other,
then
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 they
also
Linking Words
 acquire
this
Linking Words
 trait from them. It makes a big difference
on
Change preposition
in
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 the child’s mentality, especially
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the boys, and they learn that it is not only a girl’s duty to manage the household chores alone.
As a result
Linking Words
, they grow up into a responsible adult
,
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apply
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 who understands the value of equality among individuals of
both
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 genders.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the equal distribution of tasks among individuals of
both
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 sexes helps to reduce workload on
women
Use synonyms
 and makes a positive impact on the upcoming generation.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that both people should share home work when both have full-time jobs. To make your answer stronger, explain why this is fair for both people, not only why it helps women.
task response
Your two main ideas fit the question well. Add one more clear detail to each idea. For example, say that sharing cooking, cleaning, and child care gives each person more time to rest after work.
task response
The example about children is good, but it is quite general. Add a short real-life example, such as a father cooking dinner while the mother helps a child with school work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. Keep this strong plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences can be made shorter and clearer. For example, use: 'When children see their parents share tasks, they learn that home work is for everyone.'
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You already use 'However', 'Hence', and 'Furthermore' well. Try not to repeat 'then' in the same sentence, as it can make the flow less smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link to the question more direct in each body part. Start with a clear point such as: 'First, shared chores are fair when both partners work full time.'
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from start to end.
task response
Your points about less work for women and a good example for children are both useful and on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states your view, and the conclusion brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, so the reader can follow your writing easily.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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