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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think that it is individuals responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is an ongoing debate about excessive
sugar
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consumption
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, which can lead to serious
health
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 problems.
While
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 some argue that governments should take appropriate action to restrict
people
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's
sugar
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consumption
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, others believe that the public should take responsibility for limiting their
sugar
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intake
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. In my opinion,
however
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, both the public and the government should work together to achieve long-term benefits.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, supporters of government responsibility claim that authorities should raise
individuals
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' awareness of the adverse effects of excessive
sugar
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intake
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 by supporting
health
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 campaigns and providing informative programmes,
such
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 as TV shows. These measures not only broaden
people
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's understanding of
health
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 risks but
also
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 encourage them to reduce
sugar
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consumption
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 in their diets, thereby reducing excessive
sugar
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intake
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.
For instance
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,
health
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 programmes on television can provide viewers with detailed information about healthy diets and motivate
people
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 to moderate their
consumption
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 of salt, unhealthy fats and
sugar
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.
Hence
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, governments can play an important role in tackling excessive
sugar
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consumption
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 by helping
people
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 understand its
health
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 risks and make healthier dietary choices.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, critics argue that
people
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 should moderate their
sugar
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intake
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 on their own.
Individuals
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 can reduce their
sugar
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consumption
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 by making healthier dietary choices and replacing sugary foods and drinks with healthier alternatives. These changes can reduce the risk of
health
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 problems,
such
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 as obesity and diabetes, and contribute to better
overall
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 well-being.
For example
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,
people
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 can replace sugary soft drinks with water or unsweetened beverages, which can significantly reduce their daily
intake
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 of added
sugar
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.
Thus
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,
individuals
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 should
also
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 take responsibility for controlling their
sugar
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consumption
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 by adopting healthier eating habits.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, from my perspective,
although
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 policymakers should help reduce
people
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's
sugar
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consumption
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 by raising their awareness of its
health
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 risks,
individuals
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 should
also
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 control their
sugar
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intake
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 by making healthier dietary choices.
Therefore
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, reducing excessive
sugar
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consumption
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 requires cooperation between governments and
individuals
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.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more why the state should do more than give TV shows. For example, you could talk about sugar tax, clear food labels, or limits on ads for children.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but they are quite close to each other. The government paragraph is mostly about giving advice, while the other paragraph is also about people making choices. Show the real difference more clearly: the state can change the food world, while people choose what they buy and eat.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but the TV example is general. Add one clear, real-life type of case, such as a tax on sweet drinks making them cost more, or a label showing how much sugar is in one bottle.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. This makes it easy to follow. Keep this strong shape.
coherence and cohesion
Use links between ideas with care. Words such as “For instance”, “Hence”, and “Thus” are used well, but the end of each body paragraph says almost the same thing as the start. Use that space to add a new reason or explain the example more.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences repeat “reduce sugar consumption” many times. Use simple changes such as “eat less sugar”, “cut back”, “make better food choices”, and “lower daily intake” to make the writing flow more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Your opinion says both groups should work together, but the body parts treat them as separate sides. Add one short sentence in each body paragraph to show how the two can support each other. For example, rules can make healthy choices easier for people.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain both views and state your own view in the opening and ending.
task response
The ideas about health risks, diet choices, obesity, and diabetes are on topic and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has a clear main idea, an explanation, and an example.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending match well, and your ending gives a clear final message about shared duty.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar
  • health
  • government
  • people
  • individual
  • limit
  • responsibility
  • eat
  • drink
  • tax
  • policy
  • rules
  • ads
  • children
  • schools
  • meals
  • label
  • warning
  • plan
  • choice
  • habit
  • education
  • money
  • cost
  • balance
  • freedom
  • environment
  • support
  • information
  • risk
  • prevention
  • efforts
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