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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A report indicates that many children between 7 and 11 spend too much time watching television and playing video games. How does this problem affect children? What measures can be taken to control it?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Actually,
utilizing the
Change the spelling
utilising
show examples
 social media had great influence
Use synonyms
Change preposition
on people
show examples
people
Punctuation problem
people,
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 especially
children
Use synonyms
 .
Hence
Linking Words
, researchers
reveals
Correct subject-verb agreement
reveal
show examples
 that
children
Use synonyms
 who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 between 11 and 7 year spend
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
time
Correct determiner usage
their time
show examples
 to entertainment by television or
Use synonyms
phone
Check wording
phones
show examples
. Of course, there are plenty of drawbacks
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
 being destroyed behavior and isolated from surrounding , and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strong
control
Correct word choice
parental control
show examples
 by parents and
attracting
Replace the word
an attraction
 to educational tasks are maybe a effective ways to cope with
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, to overuse of
phone
Use synonyms
 or tv have plenty
negative
Change preposition
of negative
show examples
side
Check wording
sides
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 to health
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
psychology
Check wording
psychological health
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. It means that
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
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type
Check wording
apply
show examples
of event which occurs the
screen
Use synonyms
 significantly impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as violence and stealing . When
Use synonyms
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
 plays different
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 on
telephone
Correct article usage
the telephone
show examples
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
pubg
Capitalize the proper name
PUBG
show examples
games
Punctuation problem
,
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or
watch
Correct subject-verb agreement
watches
show examples
 a film
which illustrated badly stages
Correct word order
that illustrates stages badly
show examples
,
this
Linking Words
child
Use synonyms
 will
Verb problem
be
show examples
prone to mirror act that seen
previous
Rephrase
previously
show examples
 in
unconsciously
Correct word choice
an unconscious
show examples
 way . For
instances
Check wording
instance
show examples
, to kill
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
like in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
phone
Use synonyms
 or theft that
showed
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
 the tv and eventually it leads to
delay behavior
Replace the word
delayed behaviour
.
Secondly
Linking Words
 , there is
Linking Words
further
Correct article usage
a further
show examples
 one remarkebly effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend . If youngster spends majority of their
time
Use synonyms
 on social media , they have
not
Rephrase
no
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 for
another
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
people
Use synonyms
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
 family members and their friend because they prefer being online in
digital
Correct article usage
a digital
show examples
 network .
As a result
Linking Words
even
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 they
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not keen on make a friend and their respect
will
Change preposition
for people will
show examples
 decrease
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 .
This
Linking Words
 type of
child
Use synonyms
prefer
Correct subject-verb agreement
prefers
show examples
 being alone because they tend to can not deal with
people
Use synonyms
 .
This
Linking Words
 condition became a cause that withdraw from society .
Body paragraph 2
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 trend should
Verb problem
be
show examples
immediately
prevent
Wrong verb form
prevented
show examples
. Perhaps, one of the most fruitful
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 to cease
this
Linking Words
 circumstance is being monitored
via
Change preposition
by
show examples
 family members .
For
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 to prohibit using
Use synonyms
phone
Correct article usage
the phone
show examples
 or television till
child
Use synonyms
 deeply understand negative side of
this
Linking Words
 activity or to turn on parental controls
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
phone
Use synonyms
 .
For instance
Linking Words
 , my younger sister's
phone
Use synonyms
 have parental control system
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 my parents
able
Verb problem
are able
show examples
 to
cantrol
Correct your spelling
control
 the
time
Use synonyms
 of
screen
Use synonyms
 or
screen
Use synonyms
turn
Correct subject-verb agreement
turns
show examples
 off automatically when
Use synonyms
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 reachs to limited
hours
Check wording
number of hours
show examples
 .
Moreover
Linking Words
 , encouraging
children
Use synonyms
 to
effective
Verb problem
perform effective
show examples
 duties is
beneficial
Correct article usage
a beneficial
show examples
 method to deal with
this
Linking Words
 problem . It is required
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
parents . Their mothers or fathers should
plenty
Verb problem
spend plenty
show examples
 of their
time
Use synonyms
 with
children
Use synonyms
 for plays variety
type
Check wording
apply
show examples
of educational games .
Conclusion
Overall
Linking Words
,
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is
exaggerated
Punctuation problem
exaggerated,
show examples
 can change character and stand out
its
Change preposition
in its
show examples
surrounding
Replace the word
surroundings
. Of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
 there are several
method
Fix the agreement mistake
methods
show examples
 to tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 be under
supervisor
Correct article usage
a supervisor
show examples
 and
motivate
Wrong verb form
being motivated
show examples
 to
effective
Verb problem
perform effective
show examples
 tasks .

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task response
You answer both parts: the bad effects and ways to control screen time. To improve, make each main idea more exact. For example, explain how long screen time can hurt sleep, school work, health, and time with family.
task response
Some ideas are too strong or not fully explained. Do not say that games will make a child kill or steal. Say that violent games may lead some children to copy bad acts or become less kind to others.
task response
Your solutions are useful: family rules, phone controls, and more learning games. Add clear details, such as a set time each day, no screens at meals, and outdoor play after school.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part form: opening, two parts on effects, solutions, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the opening shorter and clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main point in each body paragraph. The first body paragraph can be about health and bad acts. The second can be about less time with family and friends. This will make the flow easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words more clearly: First, Also, As a result, For example, However, and In the end. Avoid repeating 'For instance' many times in the same paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence of each paragraph show the main result. For example: 'As a result, children may find it hard to make friends in real life.'
task response
You give a full answer with both problems and solutions. The ideas about family control and time with parents are useful and fit the question well.
task response
The example of parental controls on your sister's phone makes the solution clear and real.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of paragraphs helps the reader see the change from effects to solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'Moreover', and 'Overall' help show the order of your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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