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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information about the number of jobs in four sectors of the economy in the US between 1960 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The graph below gives information about the number of jobs in four sectors of the economy in the US between 1960 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph illustrates statistics on employment in four parts of the United States economy between 1960 and 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is apparent that jobs in manufacturing and agriculture
both
Use synonyms
 decreased,
while
Linking Words
 retail and healthcare increased. Specifically, in 1960, manufacturing had the
most
Correct word choice
largest
show examples
 amount of human resources
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 with 15
million
Use synonyms
 jobs in the sector. And as of 2020, it has dropped down to around 13
million
Use synonyms
. The agriculture sector
also
Linking Words
 experienced a decrease, albeit
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a much smaller scale.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
both
Use synonyms
 retail and healthcare saw more rapid growth.
Although
Linking Words
 manufacturing and healthcare
both
Use synonyms
similarly
Linking Words
 saw a drop in employment, they do share a difference.Before Manufacturing's job market dropped, it first rose and hit
it's
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 peak at 20
million
Use synonyms
 in 1980.
On the
Linking Words
contrary
Add a comma
contrary,
show examples
 agriculture had around 6
million
Use synonyms
 workers in the
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
 and slowly lost them until it was only around 2
million
Use synonyms
.
Both
Use synonyms
healtcare
Correct your spelling
healthcare
 and retail started off with very
little amount of
Correct determiner usage
few
show examples
 jobs in their respective sectors; close to 2
million
Use synonyms
 and 6
million
Use synonyms
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
.
Then
Linking Words
 increasing relatively fast, opposed
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the other two sectors, to around 16
million
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
both
Use synonyms
 of the sectors.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words both, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
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