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Band 4.5

It is often argued that every town and city should provide large public outdoor areas such as parks and squares. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that our cities need outdoor places.
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While it
Correct pronoun usage
It
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 is a commonly held belief that large public outdoor
areas
Use synonyms
 should be provided by every town and city. There is
also
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 an argument that opposes it.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, I totally agree that open
areas
Use synonyms
such
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 as parks and squares are vital to cities. These
areas
Use synonyms
 help people to take clean breaths. A person who walks in parks will get many benefits. He will get rid of negative energy, and stay positive all
the
Correct article usage
apply
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day. Even children will get several benefits in different aspects of their lives. Studies have
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
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 that kids who play regularly out in gardens or squares will be
more
Rephrase
apply
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smarter than those who spend most of their time inside
home
Correct article usage
the home
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. The child who plays in public outdoor
areas
Use synonyms
 will be engaged with other kids,
as a
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result
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result,
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 the child's personality will be improved. Another point to consider is that parents consider parks
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 a beneficial way to let their children stay away from phones or video games.
Body paragraph 2
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Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 these places will beautify the city, and make it very attractive for residents and tourists. As
such
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 places
known
Verb problem
are known
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 for green spaces
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and different plants
,
Correct word choice
and
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 trees. Which impacts positively on the town and people.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it will reduce the pollution that may cause bad outcomes.
However
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, plants produce very clean
oxygyn
Correct your spelling
oxygen
 that helps
environment
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the environment
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that large public outdoor
areas
Use synonyms
 should be part of every town and city.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that all towns and cities should have large public outdoor areas. To make the answer stronger, explain why the word “large” matters and why these areas should be public and free for all people.
task response
Develop each main point more fully. For example, explain how parks can help health, give a short real-life example, and then link this clearly to the need for city plans.
task response
Some ideas need more care. “Clean breaths” and “negative energy” are not very exact. Use clearer ideas such as cleaner air, exercise, rest, and time with other people.
task response
The point about children is useful, but do not say that studies prove children are “more smarter” unless you can explain the point well. Say that outdoor play can help children make friends, be active, and spend less time on screens.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. Make the first body part about health and children, and the second body part about the city and the environment.
coherence and cohesion
Use links between ideas more clearly. For example: “In addition,” “For this reason,” “As a result,” and “For example.” Avoid starting a new sentence with “Which,” because it can make the meaning unclear.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too short or not complete. For example, change “As such places known for green spaces...” to “Such places are known for green spaces, plants, and trees.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point in one paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from adult health to children. Add a clear link, such as “Parks are also important for children.”
task response
You answer the question directly and keep a clear opinion from the start to the end.
task response
You give relevant reasons, including health, children’s play, less screen time, beauty, and cleaner air.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, two main body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “To begin with,” “Another point,” “Moreover,” and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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