IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many places women are taking jobs which are traditionally done be men. What do you think made these changes happen? What's your opinion about it?

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Introduction
It has become common in many regions for
women
Use synonyms
 to enter male-dominated occupations
due to
Linking Words
 the growing movement towards
gender
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 equality. Personally, I support individuals being free to choose their careers regardless of their
gender
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.
Body paragraph 1
The fight for
gender
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 equality has entitled
women
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 not only to work, but
also
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 to choose their career paths. In the past,
women
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 in many societies were expected to remain at home and take care of their families,
while
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 men were responsible for earning an income. Even when
women
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 were permitted to work, they were often restricted to certain fields,
such
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 as education, nursing and sales, which were traditionally considered more suitable for females.
However
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, after decades of social and legal changes,
women
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 are now increasingly regarded as equal participants in the workforce.
As a result
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, they have entered occupations that were previously dominated by men.
For example
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, in Saudi Arabia,
women
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 have increasingly joined sectors
such
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 as security and law enforcement following changes that expanded their employment
opportunities
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.
Body paragraph 2
In my view, jobs should not be exclusive to a particular
gender
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, and individuals should be able to work in fields that match their interests and abilities.
This
Linking Words
 freedom can help people develop their potential and achieve greater job satisfaction.
Moreover
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, allowing
women
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 to enter male-dominated professions traditionally provides them with a wider range of career
opportunities
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 and enables them to become financially independent and support their families.
This
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 can be particularly important for
women
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 who are the sole providers of their households. At a broader level, greater female participation in the workforce can
also
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 contribute to economic growth by increasing the number of people earning and spending income.
For instance
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, after
women
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 were legally permitted to drive in Saudi Arabia in 2018, new employment
opportunities
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 became available to female drivers, allowing some
women
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 to enter the workforce and earn their own income.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
women
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 are increasingly entering traditionally male occupations because of the progress of
gender
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 equality and the removal of discriminatory barriers. I believe
this
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 is a positive development because it gives individuals greater freedom
while
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 creating more
opportunities
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 for
women
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 to become economically independent.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question well. To make your view even stronger, add one short point about a possible problem, such as unfair pay or unsafe work, and say how it can be fixed.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: equal rights, free choice, and money for women and families. You could make the cause part wider by also saying that more women now get higher education and training.
task response
Your Saudi Arabia examples fit your ideas well. Make the link to the main point very clear after each example, so the reader can see exactly what the example shows.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear plan: opening, reasons for change, your view, and ending. Each main paragraph has one main job, which makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more simple links between ideas, such as “Also”, “Because of this”, and “For this reason”. Do not use too many, but they can make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long. Break one or two of them into shorter sentences, especially in the second main paragraph, to make your meaning even easier to read.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view until the end.
task response
You explain why the change happened and why you think it is good. Your points are about people, families, and the wider work world.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending brings the main ideas together clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a strong order, and the examples come after the ideas they support.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • work
  • job
  • woman
  • women
  • man
  • men
  • change
  • education
  • school
  • learn
  • skill
  • training
  • rules
  • law
  • equal
  • fair
  • pay
  • money
  • family
  • home
  • care
  • child care
  • work place
  • boss
  • lead
  • leadership
  • business
  • society
  • future
  • hope
  • support
  • opportunity
  • balance
  • bias
  • unfair
  • women in work
  • team
  • office
  • factory
  • hospital
  • shop
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