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Band 4.5

The student who study from the school to university get benefit less and contribute less too, than those of student who go to travel or job and get skills and experience before going high. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is strongly debated that many students who study from
school
Use synonyms
 to the university benefit and contribute less than those who prefer to go on trips or perform a job and acquire
experience
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. I
thing
Use the right word
think
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 both are valuable ,but I strongly believe those that goes on tours
and
Correct word choice
apply
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have greater opportunities and support in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Body paragraph 1
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One on
Correct determiner usage
On
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 the
one
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 hand, I strongly consider the
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one that
Fix the agreement mistake
ones who
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 are on trips and have work are more advantageous.
Initially
Linking Words
, these categories of learners have their background knowledge combined
to
Change preposition
with
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 the field
experience
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. They mostly have the ability to
advanced more
Replace the word
advance
 faster in skills, knowledge and
experience
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as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 we can clearly see that having an initial base is beneficial.
For example
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, most of the effective and
skillfull
Correct your spelling
skilful
 labourers nowadays are them.
Otherwise
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,
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 have a greater opportunity to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jobs and pay their taxes, which is beneficial to the government. It is mostly observed that they take their independence and responsibility before
time
Correct determiner usage
their time
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.
For instance
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, they have the ability to take care of
theirselves
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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 without needing the assistance or help of their
guidiance
Correct your spelling
guidance
.
In addition
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, recruiters will recruit first
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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ones
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 easily
rathen
Correct your spelling
rather
 than those who finished
school
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 because of the
experience
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 who study
schools
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in schools
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 to the university have a better state
more
Rephrase
apply
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than those
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ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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who did not finish
school
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 before going to higher education at certain times.
Above all
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, numerous
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 from
this
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 system have
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
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knowledge
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amount of knowledge
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can permit them to be more fit than the other
ones
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.
In particular
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, those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 finish their degrees from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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higher education will have a better salary than
the
Fix the agreement mistake
those
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one
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 who finished
school
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 earlier.
Furthermore
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, students
on
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in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 way improve
rapidly
Rephrase
more rapidly
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 than the other
ones
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 because they have sufficient assimilation and will just have less time to acquire
experience
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that
Correct word choice
than
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 the other
ones
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, even though both contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, the
ones
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 that greatly contribute are the
ones
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 that goes on trips and
workers
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work
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 because
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are rapidly independent, they pay their taxes, the integrate easily
in the
Change preposition
into
show examples
 society,
while
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 those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 continue and finish their education are not negligible.

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task response
State one clear view in the first part: agree, disagree, or partly agree. Your view is mostly clear, but some lines say both ways are equal.
task response
Explain what “travel” means. Is it work travel, a gap year, or a trip with no work? This will make your answer more exact.
task response
Give one real and clear example. For example, a young person who works for one year may learn how to manage time and money before university.
task response
Do not make very wide claims, such as saying most skilled workers follow this path. Explain why this may be true instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one main reason for your view, a second main reason, one short paragraph with the other side, then a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph about one main idea. The first body paragraph has work skills, tax, freedom, and jobs. Split these ideas or keep only two.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words correctly: “On the one hand” for the first side and “On the other hand” for the other side. Do not write “One on the one hand.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “these ones,” “them,” and “the other ones.” Repeat the key group: “students who work before university” or “students who go straight to university.”
language
Check basic word forms and grammar. For example: “I think,” “students who go,” “skills develop faster,” “themselves,” “guidance,” and “rather than.”
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give a clear final view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the main shape.
task response
You give useful reasons for work or travel first, such as skills, freedom, and work experience.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For example,” “Furthermore,” and “In conclusion.”
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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