IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar which cause many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to enourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is observed nowadays
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that there is a rise in the production of manufactured food and drink.
This
Linking Words
phenomenom
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to the
over consumption
Correct your spelling
overconsumption
 of
this
Linking Words
.
However
Linking Words
, it is
been argued that it should
Correct word order
argued that it should be
show examples
 more expensive so that
people
Use synonyms
 should not consume much, which I personally agree with
this
Linking Words
 logic.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
over consumption
Correct your spelling
overconsumption
 of
this
Linking Words
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
diabetes
Use synonyms
. The main cause of
this
Linking Words
 disease is mainly
due to
Linking Words
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of much of
this
Linking Words
 nourishment and drinks,
then
Linking Words
 by
incresing
Correct your spelling
increasing
 the prices on these commodities it will discourage
people
Use synonyms
to consume
Change preposition
from consuming
show examples
 it
much
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, it has been observed
statisically
Correct your spelling
statistically
 in
bangladesh
Capitalize the proper name
Bangladesh
show examples
 that the
population
Check wording
population's
show examples
diabetes
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 has drastically
reduce
Wrong verb form
reduced
show examples
due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 measure.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, it
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 the
death
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
.
Diabetes
Use synonyms
 is one of the most common
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
 causing
death
Use synonyms
world wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 by applying
this
Linking Words
measure
Punctuation problem
measure,
show examples
 the population will not be greatly affected by
death
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
due to
Linking Words
diabetes
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 measures
keeps
Correct subject-verb agreement
keep
show examples
 the population healthier and decreases
death
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 increases
standard
Correct article usage
the standard
show examples
 of living.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 some drawbacks.
Above all
Linking Words
, it
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 the
amount
Use synonyms
 of glucose in the
body
Use synonyms
. Glucose is one of the most essential nutrient the
body
Use synonyms
 need, meaning not buying it will lead to a dearth in the
amount
Use synonyms
 of sugar in the
body
Use synonyms
can
Correct pronoun usage
, which can
show examples
 make the
body
Use synonyms
 weaker.
For instance
Linking Words
, children
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 do not consume sugar are not as energetic
like
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 those who
consumes
Correct subject-verb agreement
consume
show examples
 it more.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is not
benefial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for the providers. The low
Use synonyms
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 buying will not benefic for them, leading to less profit .
Therefore
Linking Words
, we can see that it is disadvantageous
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it does not affect a great portion of
people
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 expanding
prises
Correct your spelling
prices
 will result in
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of profit for the buyers and
low
Correct article usage
a low
show examples
amount
Use synonyms
 of glucose in individuals, it is important to restrict
this
Linking Words
 because it
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in
reduction
Correct article usage
a reduction
show examples
 in diabetic and
death
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is more significant than
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 drawbacks. As a matter of fact, I strongly believe the application of
this
Linking Words
 is vital for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
You give a clear view that higher prices are a good idea. You also discuss both sides, so you answer all parts of the question. However, some ideas need more care. For example, people still get sugar from fruit, milk, and many normal foods. Do not suggest that less candy or soft drink will make most people weak.
Task response
Make your main reason more exact: high prices may make people buy fewer sweet drinks and snacks, and this may help cut health risks. Explain the link step by step instead of saying that prices will directly stop diabetes or death.
Task response
Use examples that you can explain well. The Bangladesh example is not clear because there is no detail about the price rule or the result. A general example, such as a tax on soft drinks, would be safer unless you know the facts.
Task response
In the second main paragraph, the point about company profit is relevant, but it needs a fuller answer. Explain why public health is more important than lower sales, or say that firms can sell lower-sugar products.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body paragraphs, and an ending. This makes the overall shape easy to follow. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are unclear because words such as “this,” “it,” and “these commodities” do not clearly name the thing you mean. Say “sugary drinks and snacks” again when needed.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words with a clear job. For example: “First,” “As a result,” “However,” and “In contrast.” Avoid using many links when the next sentence does not fully follow from the one before it.
Coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats your view, which is good. Make it shorter and more direct: state that you agree because the health gains are greater than the possible cost to sellers and buyers.
Task response
You state your own view in the first paragraph and keep the same view in the ending.
Task response
You give reasons on both sides, including health risks, the need for sugar, and the effect on sellers.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks and has a full beginning, middle, and end.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example,” “Moreover,” and “Therefore” show that you are trying to guide the reader through your ideas.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: