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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness, and trust, no longer seem important. To what extent do you agree or disagr

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Introduction
People
Use synonyms
 start to have a brand new idea
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 a person's worth.
This
Linking Words
 new thinking nowadays is estimated by a person's social
status
Use synonyms
 and material possessions.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the reason
for
Change preposition
apply
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society
toaday
Correct your spelling
today
 tends to admire
people
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 with high social
status
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 rather than those with a high moral
character
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.
Body paragraph 1
Individuals worth in social
status
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, relative to those with low material
possessions
Punctuation problem
possessions,
show examples
 reported higher levels of materialistic value. Acted as our mentor, they helped us more fluently to develop our professional pathway.
This
Linking Words
 is simply because, without their help, there are fewer chances for domestic workers to meet different professionals
in
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from
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 other nationalities. When workers
met
Wrong verb form
meet
show examples
 them, they can interactively share their points of view with the professionals,
for example
Linking Words
, learning together from experiences, or knowing the up-to-date social information. These can open our horizons and
gain
Verb problem
help us gain
show examples
our
Correct determiner usage
a
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 global view. Not only gained from your own particular area, but
also
Linking Words
 learned through different perspectives of the whole industry.
Therefore
Linking Words
, having refused or not focusing on others' moral
character
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, it allowed them to focus on what they are expected to gain.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, moral
character
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 is
also
Linking Words
 valuable
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 ourselves. Once having lied or showed unrespect, you lose trust from them.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, making friends or building long term relationship was based on a person's conduct.
People
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 seem to be judged on their honour, kindness, and trust
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if you had known each other at a certain time. Small issues may affect others' thoughts on you, so moral
character
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 is important for
people
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
people
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 nowadays mostly
seems
Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
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 to judge
according to
Linking Words
 social
status
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 rather than those with moral
character
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. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 view. In my opinion, moral
character
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 is more important than social
status
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as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 you may lose them if you have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad conduct in
long
Correct article usage
the long
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 run.

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task response
State your view clearly in the first paragraph. Your essay first says that people value social status, but the end says moral character is more important. Make it clear that you agree only partly, or that you disagree.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain why some people judge others by money or status, then explain why honour, kindness, and trust still matter in work, family, and friendship.
task response
Use clear, real examples. For example, a rich worker who lies may lose friends and work chances, while a kind and trusted person may build strong long-term ties.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body paragraph easier to follow. Some ideas about mentors, domestic workers, and people from other countries do not clearly show why status or money decides a person’s worth.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add reasons, an example, and a short link back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care: “First”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”. This will help the reader see how each idea connects.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point of view. Do not move between “people”, “workers”, “they”, and “you” unless the meaning is clear. This will make your writing more direct.
task response
You discuss both social status and moral character, so you address the two main sides of the question.
task response
Your final paragraph gives your own view and says that bad conduct can harm a person over time.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, two body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast words such as “However” and “Furthermore” to show a change or add a point.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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