IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries where there is high rate of unemployment, most students should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who have no hope of finding a job. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The issue of the high rate of unemployment has
considerable
Verb problem
been the subject of considerable
show examples
 debate in recent years.Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
students
Use synonyms
 should be
offerd
Correct your spelling
offered
 only primary
education
Use synonyms
 because there is no point in offering secondary
education
Use synonyms
 to those who have no hope of finding a job,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that
students
Use synonyms
 should maintain their
education
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
Linking Words
 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that
students
Use synonyms
 should continue their
education
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate for the
students
Use synonyms
 should maintain their
education
Use synonyms
 argue that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 is the most important aspect
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
Use synonyms
`s lives,and
people
Use synonyms
 can get a
high
Correct word choice
high-paying
show examples
 job
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 another country.
For instance
Linking Words
,if a boy studies hard
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
and
finishs
Correct your spelling
finishes
 all his
education
Use synonyms
,he will be a successful person in the future,and he can
gets
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 a high level of jobs because many jobs need
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person who has
experiences
Check wording
experience
show examples
 and skills.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,many families encourage their children to complete their
education
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,many who hold the belief that there is no point in offering secondary
education
Use synonyms
 to those who have no hope of finding
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
 emphasise that it is wasting their time ,and they can get money from
sell
Wrong verb form
selling
show examples
 handmade stuff or food .
For example
Linking Words
,if a girl thinks that there in no point to complet her
education
Use synonyms
,she can sell cookies or cake to gain money.
In addition
Linking Words
,many
people
Use synonyms
 think that completing
education
Use synonyms
 is a waste of time,the main reason is that
people
Use synonyms
 can learn anything from
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
digital technology.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that
students
Use synonyms
 should maintain their
education
Use synonyms
.The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that it is a good idea to
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 knowledge and
experiense
Correct your spelling
experience
 to be a successful person in the future.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a clearer answer from the start. You disagree, so say that all students should have secondary school, even when jobs are hard to find.
task response
Explain why school still matters. For example, it can give young people skills, help them start a small business, and make it easier to find work later.
task response
Make the other side fairer. Say that some families need money now, but this does not mean that young people should lose their chance to learn.
task response
Use examples that show the main point clearly. The cookie example is linked to earning money, but explain why leaving school may cause problems later.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each main paragraph focus on one strong idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” are useful, but the first body paragraph should match the view you are supporting.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each idea before moving on. After a main point, add a reason and then an example. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times, such as “continue education” and “complete education.” Add new points instead, like skills, future work, and equal chance.
task response
You answer both views and give your own view clearly in the introduction and ending.
task response
Your examples about finding work and selling food are related to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “For instance,” “Furthermore,” and “To sum up.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • unemployment rate
  • primary education
  • secondary education
  • job prospects
  • critical thinking
  • entrepreneurship
  • self-employment
  • social inequalities
  • societal progress
  • personal development
  • civic awareness
  • self-esteem
  • workforce
  • investment
  • industries
  • fundamental right
What to do next:
Look at other essays: