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Band 4

The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003.

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The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003.
The table demonstrates the
age
Use synonyms
 of the male and female
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
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 of six countries on average in 2003.
Overall
Linking Words
, between the two genders, males were always likely to retire older,
Linking Words
therefore
Correct word choice
apply
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it is better to compare the various nationality groups with one another rather than
Use synonyms
age
Change preposition
by age
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. The lowest
age
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one
Change preposition
at which one
show examples
 could be a pensioner was for a French woman,
while
Linking Words
 the highest was for a Korean man. In 2003,
to
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 top of the
list
Punctuation problem
list,
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 Korean men retired at 68
years
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 and 8
months
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, closely followed by Japan and Italy at second place
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 a difference of a year and 4
months
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.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
Add an article
the
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United States held the average
age
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 at 65 and
half
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a half
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years
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 and Australia at 64
years
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 and 1
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months
Fix the agreement mistake
month
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. Shifting focus to the lowest
age
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 bracket, a stark contrast is visible for French men, in which
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 they started their pensioning period at 57
years
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 and 4
months
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. The lowest
age
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where
Change preposition
at which
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 one can retire as a woman is
France
Change preposition
in France
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respectively
Rephrase
apply
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, at 56 and a quarter
years
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. At the highest point were Koreans at 67
years
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 and 2
months
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, followed by both Japan and Italy at 66
years
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 and 9
months
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. The middle point
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 maintained by Australia and
United
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the United
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 States at respectively, 63
years
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 and 5
months
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 and 64
years
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 and 2
months
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.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, years, months with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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