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Band 3.5

Many people believe that schools are responsible for teaching good behavior and teach manners and respect. Others believe this is the job of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Teaching good
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behavior
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behaviour
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 is an important thing today .
children
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Children
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take their
lessons
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 from
school
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 or their
parents
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 .
This
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 essay will discuss both sides
and
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, and
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 I will give my opinion .
Body paragraph 1
School
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 gives young
people
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 great
lessons
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 .
First,
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many schools guide students to have good morals .
For example
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 , some teachers in
school
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 guide their students to be kind
with
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to
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 other
people
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 .
Also
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 , they put some penalties for those who have bad
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behavior
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behaviour
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. Second , schools give them amazing
lessons
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 .
In addition
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 , they give them
lessons
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 about great values
such
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 as respecting old
people
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,
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apply
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be kind
with
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to
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 others .
Furthermore
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 ,
school
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 gives
lessons
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 about what
written
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is written
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 in the Quran , so they will get the best morals from it .
Body paragraph 2
Parents
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 give their children fantastic
lessons
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 . First ,
parents
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 raise their children on great morals .
For example
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 , they raise them when they are young to respect others .
Moreover
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, they raise them on islam , to have great
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behavior
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behaviour
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. Second , they teach them to have good
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behavior
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behaviour
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.
In addition
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,
parents
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 teach them to be patient in hard times .
Also
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 ,
Parents
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 teach them to walk in islam way to have the best
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behavior
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behaviour
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion , schools are responsible for teaching young
people
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 good
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behavior
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behaviour
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.
However
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,
Parents
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also
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 responsible for it . In my opinion ,
Parents
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 are more responsible for teaching them great
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behavior
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behaviour
show examples

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task response
You discuss both school and parents, and you give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain why parents are more responsible, not only say that they are.
task response
Some ideas are repeated, such as good morals and Islam. Add new, clear reasons. For example, parents are with children at home every day, while schools can set rules and help children work well with others.
task response
Use examples that fit all readers. The point about the Quran may be true in some schools, but not all schools teach it. You can say that schools teach values through rules, class work, and teacher example.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each main part focus on one or two different ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas more clearly. For example: “Schools can help because children spend much of the day there. They learn to share, follow rules, and respect teachers.”
coherence and cohesion
Do not use “First” and “Second” when the next point says almost the same thing. Put close ideas together and explain them in one full paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
In the end, clearly state your view and give a short reason: “In my view, parents have the main job because they teach children from an early age and show good behavior at home.”
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you write about schools, parents, and your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are easy to follow, with one part about schools and one part about parents.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For example”, “Also”, and “In conclusion”, to join ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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