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Band 5

Many people believe that schools are responsible for teaching good behavior and teach manners and respect. Others believe this is the job of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Society is very different today from the past.
Schools
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 are the perfect places for teaching good
behaviour
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. They can change the
behaviour
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 of
students
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 for the better.
This
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 essay will examine why some
people
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 consider that
schools
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 are responsible for teaching good
behaviour
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 and why others are against that concept.
Body paragraph 1
There are many reasons why some
people
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 believe that
schools
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 are responsible for teaching outstanding
behaviour
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.
First,
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they believe that
educators
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 should teach
students
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 about good
behaviour
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.
For
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instance
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, they see that a physical education teacher should teach
students
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 about the morals of every sport.
Additionally
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, they think that
educators
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 should spend the
last
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 10 minutes of the class teaching fantastic
behaviour
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.
Second,
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they consider that teachers should teach
students
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 about
behaviour
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,
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; consequently,
show examples
consequently
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 they obtain a high salary.
For example
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, the religious teacher earns a lot of money because he is obligated to teach
students
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 about amazing
behaviour
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.
Third,
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they believe the main reason for building
schools
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 is teaching
students
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 about
behaviour
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 because
schools
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 are supported by the government.
For
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instance
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, the Kuwaiti government informs
educators
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 that teaching
students
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 about good
behaviour
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 is more crucial than learning information.
Furthermore
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, many governments spend a lot of money to create seminars about how to teach
students
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 about breathtaking
behaviour
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are many
people
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 who believe that teaching the young is considered the occupation of
parents
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.
First,
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they think that
parents
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 should teach young
people
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 about good
behaviour
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 daily.
For
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instance
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,
parents
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 should provide wisdom for the young about how to be kind towards the elderly.
Moreover
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, they should teach about how to utilise good words with others.
Second,
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they consider that
parents
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 know how to teach them better than teachers.
For example
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,
parents
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 know about the feelings of their sons
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
however
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,
educators
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 can not know about feelings.
In addition
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, they are always with their sons , so they know what teens think about.
Third,
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young
people
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 can say anything they think to their
parents
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,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
however
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, they can not share their notions
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
educators
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.
For
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instance
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, if they consider that the advice of
parents
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 is not good, they can explain the reasons to their
parents
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.
Furthermore
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,
educators
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 can punish young
people
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 for their opinions.
Conclusion
In conclusion, from my perspective, I believe that
students
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 should learn about good
behaviour
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 from their
parents
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 and
schools
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.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view at the end. However, make your view clear in the first part too. Say that parents should lead, while schools should help.
task response
Some main points need more clear support. For example, high pay and money from the government do not prove that schools should teach good behavior. Use reasons about time at school, group work, and rules instead.
task response
Use more real and direct examples. A class rule, a school team, or a child learning to say sorry would fit the topic better than claims about pay or government talks.
task response
Avoid very strong words such as “perfect,” “outstanding,” and “breathtaking.” Simple words like “good behavior,” “respect,” and “kindness” are clearer and more natural.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, one part for each side, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has many points. This can make the ideas feel like a list. Choose two strong points for each side and explain each one more fully.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “Consequently” is not right when you mean “because.” For example: “Teachers should teach this because they spend much time with children.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for people. Use “children” or “young people” instead of changing between “the young,” “students,” “sons,” and “teens.” This will make the writing smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final part stronger. State your view and give one short reason: parents teach values at home, while schools give children a place to use these values with others.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: the school view, the parent view, and your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The two main body parts are clearly separated, so the reader can see both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples in both body parts, which helps show what you mean.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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